Post by sab on Mar 3, 2021 12:46:01 GMT -5
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"A lot of people will say, Captain Ruffian - that's not a slow-motion carpet, it's just a carpet. It's inert, it's inanimate - it's a sedentary, hairy and useless. And I say, no, you've got it wrong - you're thinking of Mrs. Ruffian. Because the slow-motion carpet is so much more than just a carpet. I've seen it do extraordinary things. Just, really really slowly."
Close up: A Carpet
Yep. That's me. You're probably wondering how I got here. Well, let me take you back to 1992. I was a star. I was the most recognisable carpet in Hollywood. A VIP everywhere I went, my agent was flooded with offers and - well, to be frank with you, it wouldn't surprise me if there were a lot of thirty year old rugs running around California that look a lot like me.
You'll have heard of me, but just in case you've been in a coma since the stone age, let me remind you. Less is Moore? You'll probably know it now from when the kid who played Zack Moore ditched the skateboard to go live in a cannibal commune in Parahuevo. It was the highest rated television sitcom of 1987 and 1988. I was one of the few season 1 cast members they didn't end up replacing. Around season six somebody said "Don't you think we should get a new couch?" But my spot was safe, I was iconic.
I don't know when I got my...powers. Captain Ruffian has his own story.
All I know is that they ruined my life. As the show fell apart, I was already planning to break into movies. There was a role in Aladdin my agent said I'd be perfect for. But by the time I submitted my audition, the movie had already been out for years. I couldn't hold a conversation, people said it was like talking to an inanimate object. You know how many casting calls there are in Hollywood for slow-motion carpets? Not even the pornos would take me.
So I sat in a storage warehouse and I rotted. I rotted until some hobo, some vagabond that called himself Captain Ruffian broke into the warehouse, rolled me up and stole me away. Kidnapped me, rescued me - I don't know. Then he boarded a freight train out of California with me slung over his shoulder. Told each other jokes along the journey.
"What's the first rule of comedy?" I asked him.
"What?" He replied eagerly.
We've been together ever since. Travelling around the country, helping people. He doesn't mind that I'm slow, says it's a superpower. Refreshing, even. "The last guy I travelled with, Vlad." He says. "He was always Russian."
And now we're professional wrestlers, making out debut on April 27th in a tag team gauntlet for the titles.
Interior: A Gym
The Slow-Motion Carpet lies on a weight bench, an impressive amount of weight on the rack above him weighting to be lifted. The Carpet takes his time, sizing up the weight.
I'm The Slow-Motion Carpet. And I have been training for this match for a very, very long time. Kieran Overton and Samuel McPherson defending their titles against an unknown number of challenges. How do you prepare for something like that?
We cut to the carpet beneath a squat rack.
Myself and Captain Ruffian will be up against the best tag teams this company can throw at us, and I assure you that I'll pull my weight.
Captain Ruffian, jogging along a beach as the sun sets - dragging The Slow-Motion Carpet behind him.
I've never been more prepared, more motivated, for anything in my entire life. And I truly believe that we're going to win. Because I bring something to the table that no one else does. Two words.
Slow. Motion.
There's nothing wrong with taking your time. Sometimes less is more.
"Timing."
"A lot of people will say, Captain Ruffian - that's not a slow-motion carpet, it's just a carpet. It's inert, it's inanimate - it's a sedentary, hairy and useless. And I say, no, you've got it wrong - you're thinking of Mrs. Ruffian. Because the slow-motion carpet is so much more than just a carpet. I've seen it do extraordinary things. Just, really really slowly."
Close up: A Carpet
Yep. That's me. You're probably wondering how I got here. Well, let me take you back to 1992. I was a star. I was the most recognisable carpet in Hollywood. A VIP everywhere I went, my agent was flooded with offers and - well, to be frank with you, it wouldn't surprise me if there were a lot of thirty year old rugs running around California that look a lot like me.
You'll have heard of me, but just in case you've been in a coma since the stone age, let me remind you. Less is Moore? You'll probably know it now from when the kid who played Zack Moore ditched the skateboard to go live in a cannibal commune in Parahuevo. It was the highest rated television sitcom of 1987 and 1988. I was one of the few season 1 cast members they didn't end up replacing. Around season six somebody said "Don't you think we should get a new couch?" But my spot was safe, I was iconic.
I don't know when I got my...powers. Captain Ruffian has his own story.
All I know is that they ruined my life. As the show fell apart, I was already planning to break into movies. There was a role in Aladdin my agent said I'd be perfect for. But by the time I submitted my audition, the movie had already been out for years. I couldn't hold a conversation, people said it was like talking to an inanimate object. You know how many casting calls there are in Hollywood for slow-motion carpets? Not even the pornos would take me.
So I sat in a storage warehouse and I rotted. I rotted until some hobo, some vagabond that called himself Captain Ruffian broke into the warehouse, rolled me up and stole me away. Kidnapped me, rescued me - I don't know. Then he boarded a freight train out of California with me slung over his shoulder. Told each other jokes along the journey.
"What's the first rule of comedy?" I asked him.
"What?" He replied eagerly.
We've been together ever since. Travelling around the country, helping people. He doesn't mind that I'm slow, says it's a superpower. Refreshing, even. "The last guy I travelled with, Vlad." He says. "He was always Russian."
And now we're professional wrestlers, making out debut on April 27th in a tag team gauntlet for the titles.
Interior: A Gym
The Slow-Motion Carpet lies on a weight bench, an impressive amount of weight on the rack above him weighting to be lifted. The Carpet takes his time, sizing up the weight.
I'm The Slow-Motion Carpet. And I have been training for this match for a very, very long time. Kieran Overton and Samuel McPherson defending their titles against an unknown number of challenges. How do you prepare for something like that?
We cut to the carpet beneath a squat rack.
Myself and Captain Ruffian will be up against the best tag teams this company can throw at us, and I assure you that I'll pull my weight.
Captain Ruffian, jogging along a beach as the sun sets - dragging The Slow-Motion Carpet behind him.
I've never been more prepared, more motivated, for anything in my entire life. And I truly believe that we're going to win. Because I bring something to the table that no one else does. Two words.
Slow. Motion.
There's nothing wrong with taking your time. Sometimes less is more.
"Timing."