Ahyma Vs. The Dragon Lady

I sat on my knees by the toilet and barfed. Just puked everything up. And when I figured I had nothing more to puke out, more came. Mameha knows something is up. She isn't stupid, not one bit, I knew this a week ago. I ought to just come clean with her. Tell her Frank has now been leaving me ugly hurtful voicemails on top of the missed calls and texts. But I don't want to worry her. Especially since she promised she felt strong enough to stand at ringside again.

But, I am being stubborn because I need her so badly to root me on. I sat against the wall there in front of the toilet and leaned my head back wiping my vomit-smelling mouth with a forearm. I made a disgusted face as I tried to calm myself down. The acidic taste in my mouth and on my tongue brought back a memory I thought I would never understand from his point of view. Frank's point of view. My dad's point of view.

As I slowly rubbed my stomach with a hand trying to calm my upset churning gut, I saw him there in front of me standing. "Pe- Pe- Pearl?" I didn't answer him. I never wanted to. Particularly when he had drunk past his limit. Past the angry hating the world Frank limit. He had now become the, I know I overdid it and I just don't want to be alone Frank limit. And he just didn't deserve my pity, and yet he had it. It really isn't fair.

I looked up at Frank still feeling queasy as he hiccups than says, "Pearl jussa answer meh. Please…" his voice shook as he spoke.

With that, he fell to his knees looking quite sick himself. He was about to fall forward and let his insides out as I had just done, but before he could vomit and lay in his own innards, I caught him by his shoulders and faced him towards the toilet. Easier this way. Less of a mess to clean up in the morning for both of us.

I rubbed his back as he let out a hot mess into the toilet. Ugh. Just the sounds he made, they were revolting and I thought I might join him in this puke fest. He sat back finally looking so very exhausted. How could he do this to himself? Over and over again? Night after night? He must be in some sort of hell already. And he was trying to take me with him.

After he sat back and tried to take some breaths, I imagine to steady his drunken out of tune heartbeat, I stood up and grabbed a washcloth there and wet it down. I went back to him, crouching next to him, and began wiping his mouth and hands. "Gah, Frank," I shook my head, "Why? Why do you do this?"

He closed his eyes and started speaking, stuttering over his words, "I probsably should a stopped drinking an hour ago. I tried. Re-," hiccup, "Really, honestly, but that damned liquor. It just kept callin my name, like some cute hussy, I couldn't resist."

As he settled there against the wall, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. And feel so much hurt. He wasn't the father I needed, but he was still my dad. Connected to me by traits like being a stubborn ass and the blood that ran through his veins.



"Did you ever love her?" I asked as he sat there looking like he could be asleep. "My mom. Did you ever love her?"

There is silence as I continued wiping Frank down as if he were some small helpless infant. Incapable of processing things outside of their own little world.

It hurt to see my dad like this. It pained me to feel like I was taking care of him when he should be taking care of me. I began untying his steel-toed brown boots. He didn't fight or protest as I took care of him.

Hiccup, "Oh I loved her. Once upon a time, for a night I loved her. Or maybe it wasn't her that I loved specifically. I loved what I saw in her. I met her at some party I had gotten word of from a guy I met over drinkin sake. She had been standing there in this tight black dress showing off all the right goods," hiccup.

I shook my head at his description as I tossed a boot aside. "She had a drink in her hand. I swear I followed her around for a while just watching her chat with people, trying to fit in with everybody. I looked like a stud that night too. Even had a nice suit on. My hair had been slicked back. At that point I already had a good buzz."

He smiled drunkenly with his eyes still closed thinking about his past, "But I could see. I could see behind that sexy dress and sexy lookin gestures somethin else. And when she had looked at me standing on the other side of the room, with them gorgeous brown eyes, I knew I was right. She was innocent. And that's what made everything she did look so hypnotizing."

He drunkenly chuckled as he swung his head from left to right, "And you know me Pearl, I like to show everyone a good time. Especially the innocents. I can show em but a little piece of the freedom I get when I let the booze or, ya know, drugs take over. She was just that cute thing I had to work so hard to lay me out," he chuckled again at his damned phrasing, making me remember why I called him a pig every once in a while.

He was quiet a moment, as he sat there still lulling his head about. "Ya know, I wanted her so badly that night because well, she was better than me. Out of my league in so many ways. Cuter, more intelligent, and just so much more than I could ever be… Trust me when I say, that night in Japan was the best night I had there. Wouldn't take it back in a million bajillion years."

He let out a scoff, then chuckled in a self deprecating way. "I tried to call her again you know? Tried to reconnect after I left Japan. Maybe a couple of months after I left. But just like I saw all that made her pure and good, she musta seen the Devil inside of me."

I was about to ask him another question when I heard a loud snore escape from between his lips. I sighed then and stood up. I grabbed one of his ankles and grunted as I began to drag him to his bed. Tears rolled down my cheeks… I wanted to ask him, did you ever love me? Or am I just here to be your target board when you're angry or need someone to make you feel not so alone? Frank hadn't always been a monster. He wanted to be better, but his stubbornness had kept him stuck in this fucked up world he called his.

Finally, I had made it to his bedroom. I took off his last boot and then went behind him and took him under his arms. After a lot of struggling, I had him in his bed at an angle. Still wishing, hoping, and praying my dad might find a way out of the hell he had created for himself.

My eyes darted towards my phone once again as it buzzed tirelessly… he probably had no clue how much I wish, even if it were just for the briefest of moments, I could hold him and feel my own world wasn't turning upside down. That's what a good father I imagined did for their kids. Guess I really don't even know what I need from him anymore… and that's why all of this hurt so much more.

---

My eyes are closed as the camera recorded on Mameha’s phone. She stood behind it with a smile that could melt an iceberg. I took a deep breath as the wind picked up messing my hair around my head and face. The clean fresh air I breathed in fared far better in my lungs than the poor house behind me that rattled and creaked from the blowing wind.

I stood off to a corner, where the full view of the house couldn't be seen, where only brown grass and shattered windows could be made out in the background. "I- I- It seems more time passed than I wanted. Time that I needed to figure out problems I should have figured out ages ago. Problems that shouldn't be pestering me now, but they are."

My eyes opened then and I looked directly into the camera, "I have seen the way you have thrown fists and kicks. The way you have moved lightly on your feet to give yourself an uncompromising win. You have done way better than myself since coming to Carnage Ahmya, and that I can respect. The belt you hold? You deserve it."

I smiled then just picturing this woman I thought was very beautiful. And not just because she obviously had good looks, but because her heart was beautiful. "I even noticed the baked cookies you made to give everyone. I like to bake myself. I just wonder if you followed box instructions for your cookies or you made them from scratch?” I allowed myself a small laugh, before continuing with absolutely honesty, “I use the box. I won't lie to you."

"I have been keeping an eye on you just like I have done with everyone else. And you know what I figured out about you? You seem like the sweetest person ever. I don't know your life story, but I see you are a glass half-full kind of person, or at least you're trying to be. It's refreshing. Especially since at times, it can truly be difficult to see the positives and make sense of them."

"Each opponent I have come against has truly tested and pushed me beyond my limits. Whether I have won or lost, I have become stronger. Tougher. More precise. More diligent. More disciplined." I began pacing, getting lost in my head as I tried to find the right words.

"I know when we get in that ring you are going to bring it. And you are going to have to because I am going to be coming at you with everything I have to give. Things have not gone my way as much as I would have liked since being here in Carnage. This has been a learning experience for me. I have been so close, at the cusp of getting what I want every time I have lost."

"And though these losses have made me better overall, I am not letting another title slip from my grasp again. You see, there's been someone, whether he stood right in front of me or hid in the corners of my mind, he has been there telling me I can't do this. You are no good. You are trash. You are unworthy. You are alone." I said this looking at Mameha. She looked at me concerned. This is my admission to her of what's been going on. She needed to know. She is the mother god sent to me and I am grateful for her in every single way a child should be of their mother.

"Don't take it personally. If you bring it like I have told you to, and you end up the victor, I will be gracious. Hope for the best for you. Tell you that you did a great job. Say that I care about your win. I care that you won because I did all I could to have a chance to stand in that spotlight too. I will do all of the things I can't expect that voice to do for me. I will be better than that voice that's trying to gnaw me from the inside out."

"I have been trying long before I got here to Carnage to shut that man up. Prove him wrong. Show him I am plenty capable of doing the things he said I couldn't. I need to quiet the laughter that fills him up every time I fail. I have no more room for error. I have wanted a belt more and more with each passing day, since losing my shot a couple of weeks back."

"I have done and am doing what I believe you are doing. I have looked at the situation I have found myself in and I am trying to see the positives. The bright side. The better side." I turned then, towards the broken house. I placed my hands on my hips as the camera zoomed out to capture more of the house. The faded wood definitely looks like it could use a nice paint job. The steps to the porch look uneven while the porch itself looked like it might just collapse and take you to a place of darkness. The house needs love desperately. Anyone would be able to tell.

"This house one day is going to be something grand. Molded by my sweat and frustrations. Molded by my determination to not give up when I don't know what to do anymore or I am feeling backed into a corner. I am going to make this old broken down house turn into something I see only in my dreams. I can be grateful, you Ahmya, are a worthy opponent. I have been facing challenges for a long time. No reason Why the challenges should stop now. Keep them coming."

"Though sometimes I do wish things could be easier, every single moment I have faced has made me into the person I am today. And I like this person I am, and the person I am becoming, even if that voice in my head and on my phone says otherwise. I am not stopping until I prove him wrong, and that means I am going to have to get through you. And I shall."

I turned back towards the camera and slowly walked forward. "Through darkness and things misunderstood, I have somehow always found a way to stay on my two feet. And when I have fallen, I got myself back up for there will always be fight left inside of me still. And that no one can take away from me."

"Not even the big brute who took a cheap shot at me. And you all know who I am talking about. SSRI's giant. Arkhan. You knocked me down. Knocked me out cold. Took advantage of someone much smaller. But guess what? I am still here ready to fight. For even giants, though scary, won't stop me from letting Carnage see the fight I have to give. I shall see you soon Ahmya so that you may be able to see the fight I have for you." underneath my mask my lips snarled not in anger or animosity, but in determination. My eyes would look just as motivated.

---

Mameha stopped recording then and looked at me. A small smile began to form on her lips. And I think I know why. The words I had spoken had meant a lot to me. Every word was a truth I had never really thought about. And it felt good to say all of it. Mameha took me by an arm then. She began leading me back to the broken house. "There is always work to be done. It is never quite finished."

We ventured inside of the old house not to bang out walls this time. But to replace some of the windows in the same room I had knocked out walls in last time. The place still looked dark and dank, but it also seemed more open without the walls I had taken out upon Mameha's request.

Before Mameha took a seat down on the fancy couch she had bought for this room in hopes one day the house would match her tastes, she came to me. She reached around my waist and after a moment she stood back and admired. "Your best look yet," she said looking like she might just laugh at me.

She has strapped a belt around me holding tools in fancy pockets and loops all around… I look like a true handyman. A handyman obviously who didn't know how to be very handy. She took a seat and told me to look up a tutorial if need be to get the old windows out and the new windows in, which obviously I listened to.

No reason to pretend I am something I'm not. I whipped my phone back out and went to youtube. Yeah maybe not the best place to look, but a good place to start. I looked at the tools on my belt Mameha had meticulously placed knowing I would need each one. After about thirty minutes I began the replacement of these shabby windows.

The windows were taken out much more easily than the installation process. But eventually, the three large broken windows had turned into something to behold. I used the windows Mameha had obviously had someone bring in for her. They would have big white frames all around. Nothing fancy, but an obvious upgrade from the previous state. They actually looked nice.

My hands that have been in gloves for this process come to my hips as I take a step back to get a full view of the three large windows I have managed to fit into the old house walls. "I… I freakin did it! Holy crap! I did it," I said feeling satisfied.

Mameha chuckled from her meditating on the couch. "Well of course you did. If you set your mind to a task long enough, you eventually get to an end. Whether good or bad." With that Mameha got to her feet to inspect the work I had done. After squinting her eyes and moving her head close to certain areas to inspect, she turned to me.

"One should not fret over ridicule and critique. You have done a very nice job. And what I expected from you didn't even really matter. For in the end, the only thing that truly matters, is if what you have done, truly makes you happy and fulfilled."

She would take my arm again to lead me to sit on the fancy couch. "Let us drink tea. And enjoy it. For right now, we have all the time in the world."

I looked at my phone in dread, as Mameha led me. The dread is still there as I opened my phone to see who had messaged me. Not Frank, thank god. Matt on twitter.




….. oh geez… this is not going to go well. A different kind of dread settled over me.