Wrestling has always been a little... [Axton / Jon]
Oct 17, 2020 17:21:32 GMT -5
Jon Willis likes this
Post by Axton Gunn on Oct 17, 2020 17:21:32 GMT -5
[ Thank you so much Jon for the collab! This was a blast to put together. ]
After his first couple of weeks in Baltimore were spent staying in a nice hotel, Axton found himself growing bored of the building and a bit uncomfortable. Even in LA, he wasn’t one for luxury living (by LA standards), preferring the comfort of a two-story home with a view; having too much space always made him feel… well, lonely.
So, once the initial hype of being in a new city had worn off, and he’d expended all the downtown tourism, the musician had moved himself to a nice little AirBnB housed in a bungalow home near a sprawling park. Almost immediately he’d felt better coming back to sleep in a place like this, with well-loved heavy curtains hung over the windows, a deeply plush sectional sofa, and a kitchen peppered with dumb kitschy shit that nevertheless made him smile. He’d set up crates for his Aussie Shepherds upstairs in the second bedroom, so they had somewhere quiet to sleep. It was about as close to a home away from home as he was going to get, and the owner had been more than happy to have a guaranteed, reliable tenant for the year.
Ax was the type of guy who loved company, so, of course, he was always ready for it. Even so, after receiving a message from Jon Willis asking if they could hang out and chat (about certain revelations presented during the Pay-Per-View)... well, he was a bit antsy. He didn’t really know anybody in Baltimore nearly as well as he knew Silvio, and usually when he was getting to know somebody new it was in a social setting that included a crowd. This was a bit more private than what he was used to, so it was hard not to feel like he had to be at his best.
After all, he’d totally bombed his first impression here in Baltimore, for the Legion, for a lot of his new colleagues. This might be a chance to start fresh with someone he’d rapidly grown to like and respect over the course of a few weeks and a few records.
Hearing a knock, Axton stands upright with a flutter of excitement in his chest, tossing the last of his strewn laundry into the basket in the upstairs hall. He shushes Huey on the way down, who was always the one who barked at company, firmly telling his Aussies to stay in the living room downstairs while he comes to the mud room and unlocks the latch.
Standing outside of Axton Gunn’s door is Jonathan Willis, dressed in jeans and a “Team Tree Lobster” shirt. He looks at Axton and smiles awkwardly.
“Hey Ax. Thanks for inviting me over. I’m glad we could get this worked out. Like I said over on Twitter, I’ve honestly got just a million questions. Can I come in?”
Axton can’t help but feel a swell of joy for the company, and that sense of solidarity and kinship he’d felt when Jon had made his announcement.
“Yeah, come on in, dude. Glad you found the place ok.” Stepping back to allow him inside, Axton gestures to the stairs. “There’s a huge couch down here, I figured we could chill there if you wanna take a load off, literally and figuratively. I hope you like dogs,” he added with a bit of a laugh. “My Aussies Huey and Irwin are gentle boys, they’ll probably just lie on the rug the entire time you’re here.”
Following Jon down to the living space, Ax lets him take first pick of seating on the couch before dropping down nearby. There’s a pitcher of iced tea and a couple of glasses on the coffee table already, forming rings of condensation on the old wood.
Jonathan sighs, takes a look around, and rubs his hands before resting his right leg on his left knee, holding it at the ankle with one hand and using the other to rub the back of his head. Jon takes a deep breath and speaks.
“So… I just… Oh man, I have no idea where to even begin. I don’t know anything about the LGBTQ culture. Is that even the right term? I feel like it’s the right term but I don’t know for sure. Everything’s been so hectic and crazy since I came out. I love and adore all the well wishes and everything, but everyone just wants to know everything. And then there’s the sex tape… Oh God, please tell me you didn’t watch the sex tape.”
“I didn’t,” Ax says quickly, holding up both hands. The leather bracelet he’s wearing slides down his wrist a bit, overlapping one of his tattoos. “Dude, I heard the part about that not being consented to. I’d never bash anybody in that industry--I mean fuck, I’m from LA, it’s a big industry--but I’m not gonna watch something you didn’t give anybody the OK to watch. That’s just shitty and honestly I’m so fuckin’ sorry that happened to you.”
“I just wish… Honestly, Ax, I’m still dealing with how I feel about all that. They arrested the guy that did it. I caught him red-handed. I got him to admit to everything, and the cherry on top, I got him to admit to several other illegal things as well. It felt like justice… but it also somewhat felt like revenge. And I’m not sure if revenge is what I wanted, despite everything he put me through. Me and him were best friends at one time. Maybe if I had seen something sooner… Seen the way he was going, seen how all the stress was affecting him… I don’t know man. I don’t really want to think about it. At least not now. So let’s get back to some other questions.”
Ax just nods, opting not to push the issue. To him it sounded as though that was something personal for Jon to work out. He let him go on.
“What should I start doing in order to really support the community? Are there some causes that I should be fighting for? Are there events I should be going to? Maybe a charity that helps people? There’s just so much I don’t know! This is super frustrating. I barely know where to even begin!”
“Hey, hey, slow down. Take a breath, sweetheart, we’ll roll through this one thing at a time.”
Axton’s tone is surprisingly gentle and sympathetic. He looks thoughtful for a second, and then hops up from the couch; he pulls those nice weighted curtains across the back windows, leaving the room with a warm incandescent glow and a sense of privacy and security.
“And…”
From his phone, he connects his Spotify to the speakers in the ceiling, flipping to a chill indie-rock playlist that gradually washes away the tension of silence.
He slides back down into a seat, absently settling himself closer to Jon as he does so. Rather than taking up the other side of the sectional, he was now nested in the corner, one knee drawn up close to his chest.
“You good?”
“Thanks. That helps. A lot. OK, I’m good. It just… It gets to be a little much, you know?”
Jon slides down on the couch, taking a more comfortable position than just sitting bolt upright. His shirt comes up slightly, revealing his athletic frame and six-pack abs. He nonchalantly pulls his shirt down.
“Oh yeah,” Axton hums, his meadowgreen eyes flickering absently to Jon’s briefly bare midriff--it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it before, but there was just a lot to appreciate there. “Trust me, I get that. It’s one thing to figure yourself out, but then letting that be public so much later in your life… it’s weird, but people like us sort of miss out on that whole ‘self discovery’ part of being a teenager. We miss the chance to explore that shit when we’re younger like everybody else, so you end up feeling like your whole life is delayed and you have all these seemingly obvious questions that everybody else already figured out when you’re an adult.”
Axton shrugs, sitting back with his hands folded on his stomach over the AJR logo on his shirt. “Then you’re kinda stuck without a parent or teacher to explain stuff to you and you gotta figure it out on your own. I think that’s why we kind of instinctively gravitate toward each other--it’s like we know we have to be each others’ support even before we say anything.”
He cocks his head to the side and shoots Jon a smile. “I guess… to answer some of your questions? You don’t need to feel obligated to fight for anything or put yourself out there, especially not this early. If you want, you’re welcome to come with when I do that stuff--I make it my business especially to do youth outreach for exactly the reasons I just said… but I think it’s really important to focus on you, right now, and your comfort levels, and find the kind of company you wanna keep that makes you feel wanted and safe and understood.”
“Wow… I honestly had never thought of it that way, but you’re exactly right. That’s exactly what it feels like. I wouldn’t mind going to an event. I’m always down to throw my support behind a good cause. But you’re right. I should be a little selfish right now, and take some time out for me. Discover what really makes me happy… and, I guess, who.”
“For sure, dude.”
“So… I guess my next question is… what’s the dating scene look like? I’ve… actually never dated before. At all. I was always either wrestling or, just, you know… hooking up. What if I want to have a serious relationship? Where should I even start? Should I look online, or download an app, or just hang out at a bar? A gay bar? Or just a bar in general? I’m not sure.”
That elicits a sympathetic smile from the musician. Jon wasn’t the only late-bloomer in that situation that he’d met, and he’s sure he wouldn’t be the last.
“If you start in a bar, you’re gonna find the kind of guy who likes going to the bar,” Ax says, scratching absently at his freckled neck. “Personally I think like… with dating, any dating, it’s important to start somewhere you know you’re gonna click about at least one thing. I met my first boyfriend at a concert, and my longest relationship ever was… Sarah, the bassist in my band back when that was a thing.” There’s an obvious twinge of discomfort there and he quickly moves on. “Anyway… online is fine since you can like, list your interests and stuff… but you’d be surprised how often you’ll run into people playing the same game just doing your own hobbies and shit.”
Like maybe browsing a record shop?
Axton stubbornly ignores that thought and powers on with a grin, trying to lighten the mood briefly.
“Just be open to it, man. You’ve given yourself a great opportunity to be honest about who you are in a really supportive space. And let’s be real, wrestling has always been a little gay.”
Jon throws his head back and laughs.
“Yeah, you’ve got me there. And the reaction I’ve gotten so far, from everyone in Carnage, has just been amazing. Especially from you. Thanks so much for taking the time to do this, Ax. So what’s a fun first date look like to you? Dinner and a show? A picnic at a beach or park or something? You mentioned a concert before, that sounds fun. Or do I just grab them by the shoulders and say seductively 'Mount me like a stallion'?”
Jon chuckles and grins.
Axton’s wheezing laugh has him doubled over his lap for a hot second as the words ‘mount me like a stallion’ adhere to the inside of his head and refuse to leave. He manages to collect himself with a breathy little ‘fuck’, sitting upright with a grin still in place.
“I mean… I’m an adrenaline junkie and I love spontaneous shit, so the concert was great… bring me to do something I’ve never tried, something exciting. I always wanna know that somebody I might stick around with long-term is gonna be cool with the fact that I’m not a homebody and I don’t really play safe. When you’re thinking about what to do on dates, it’s a good chance to see how somebody’s gonna react to the way you are every day, not just when you’re on your best behaviour. Imagine if you were gonna do this every week. Every month. Maybe for years, right? You start thinking ahead that far and you realize you can’t keep it fancy all the time. Sometimes a great date is just a snippet of what it’d be like to live together.”
Jonathan takes a few seconds to think it over, rubbing his chin as he does.
“That’s some really good advice, Ax. I’ll keep that in mind anytime I try to meet that special someone. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be really awkward at first, but I think I’ll be able to win him over in time. Whoever “him” ends up being. Speaking of awkward, though… I have to admit, I was wondering if this changes anything with any of the doctors I’m seeing. I’ve heard… rumors. Horror stories, if you want the honest truth. I was just wondering if you had any experience dealing with stuff like that. Any recommendations.”
Axton grimaces a bit, looking off with a hand on the back of his neck.
“I’m not gonna lie, dude… doctors and healthcare and all that can be a pretty different ball game when you’re out. Even though they’re supposed to have all that Hippocratic Oath shit, some of them aren’t gonna be able to hold back their personal biases and they’re gonna treat you different. It depends a lot on who you are, but a guy like you… you won’t be able to donate blood, and there’s the stigma around HIV to deal with. You’re just gonna have to be careful about stuff like what clinics you go to or if you have a GP, who that’s gonna be.”
He looks back to Jon with a brow raised, a light of concern in his eyes.
“And I mean, in our line of work, it’s hard to avoid hospitals sometimes. If we were in LA I could give you a few names, but I’d wanna check out the local LGBT youth support centre if I were you. I did a shoutout for them on my Twitter a while back if you wanna find it. They usually have a list of health care options that are safe for us... You don’t have to go into it blind.”
Jon nods along as Ax speaks and looks very appreciative.
“Man, that’s a lot to absorb. But I feel a lot better now that I know. OK, last question for now, I promise. I was just wondering, Ax… What was your coming out experience like? You mentioned something about it on Twitter, but I’m interested in hearing the full story. You’re an interesting person, Ax. I’d love to learn more about you.”
Oh boy.
Axton laughs, drawing in a slightly quavering breath. It’s almost impossible to shake the instinct to Nope out of his skin and possibly defenestrate himself at the mere thought of discussing his personal life… but he holds on.
He promised Silvio he would get better at this. He promised himself…. That, and Jon had come to him in trust and confidence. The least he could do was to return that trust.
“Well uh… like I said, I had to come out twice,” Ax says, looking down into his lap. “I figured out I was bi when I was young. Like, maybe 9 or 10 years old. I asked my mom if it was ok to like boys and girls, and… she was really, really supportive. My mom is Chumash, from the Cali Valley, so she talked to me a little about how that sort of thing was looked at as normal in our history and not to let European standards scare me away from being who I was. Other kids treated me different because I wasn’t quiet about it. I live loud. Sure, I got picked on, but I fought back. Because I had my mom there like a backbone, I made it through pretty ok. It just kind of inspired me to be that pillar for people who didn’t have one. And then uhh.”
He grins sheepishly, looking at the tattoo on his wrist--a familiar ring with three branching symbols.
“I’m sure you already know I’m a trans dude. I’m not really private about it anymore--a lot of my life is public just because of what I do for a living... but that was kind of when things got harder. It sucks watching other boys around you grow up and go through the paces--growth spurts, voices dropping, getting their dads to teach them how to shave… and I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, but just that it wasn’t finished yet, and I was gonna have to wait to catch up.”
He lifts up part of his shirt, showing Jon the pale white scar just underneath his areola. Along his freckle-spotted ribs, the words “Too weird to live, too rare to die” are tattooed in a geometric script.
“When I got my surgery and started hormones I bet I felt the same kind of relief that you did up in the ring when you finally said it out loud.” He tugs the bottom of his shirt back down. “It’s like… now I get to live authentically. Now I get to be me and I don’t have to apologize to anyone for that. And when you’ve spent a big part of your life keeping something so integral to your identity in the dark like that… even if you know the people you’ve surrounded yourself with are gonna accept you, and you know you’re right about yourself, it can still be a terrifying thing to do. Just because there’s water at the bottom of the drop doesn’t make jumping off that cliff any less scary.”
Jon nods along and smiles.
“You’re right. That’s exactly what it felt like doing at Chaos 100: jumping off a cliff. But I’m glad I did it. I spent so much time living the lie, believing the lie, that I just… I don’t know. I wonder, sometimes, you know? Who could I have been if I had just admitted to myself from day one that I was gay? Would I have ever developed a drug habit? Would I even be a wrestler? And where do I go from here, now that I feel like this brand new person? It’s… heavy, you know? Lots to think about. Lots to do. But I appreciate you taking the time to answer all my questions. It felt good to take stock and try to get as much of this all sorted out as I could.”
Ax sighs, sinking into the couch and rubbing his face with both hands. “Damn… you’re right, that’s a lot of heavy shit. Sorry, I’ve been kinda… working on not putting on heelies to escape my feelies, so to speak, and it’s still hard. You wanna take a breather and put on a movie or something?”
“Sure, that sounds great. Let me run to the bathroom, that should give you some time to pull something up. I’ll be right back. And thanks Ax. For everything. I really appreciate this.”
“Hell yeah, fam.”
Jon goes to the bathroom, leaving Ax alone with his dogs and his thoughts for a little bit. Eventually Jon comes back down and sits down next to Ax, sighing contentedly, his shoulder brushing against Ax’s as he sits down. Axton doesn’t seem to mind at all. Jon leans back and stretches before folding his arms behind his head.
“This is really nice, Ax. I’ve been running so hard lately, it’ll be nice to just relax.”
“Yeah. I feel ya.”
Jon and Ax watch the movie, and it’s clear from the first few minutes that they’re enjoying both it and each other’s company. They laugh at the funny moments, cheer at the action moments, their eyes go wide at the surprising moments. About thirty minutes into the movie, Jon asks an innocent-sounding question.
“Oh wow, this movie is so awesome dude. I’d never even heard of it! Where on earth did you find it?”
“Oh man. I used to watch this one all the time with a friend of mine.” Axton laughs. “I was super stoked when I found it on Netflix because I lost the DVD years ago. Sometimes I get a deep spelunking going and I find all kinds of old gems on this thing.” He shifts comfortably on the couch, leaning on Jon just a bit. “I got all these memories of putting it on and just kicking back when things got hard… since everything’s been so hectic I thought it might be good to bring some of that back and give you a chance to just, Netflix and… and chill.”
At the word “chill”, both men’s eyes meet. A look passes between them. Jonathan gets up awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, causing Axton to lurch slightly into the place he was sitting. Jon pulls out his phone and checks the time.
“Oh man, it’s actually kinda getting late. I mean, I know it’s still the afternoon, I just meant like… I have something else to do. I think I’m late for a training session. It was… Uh… This was nice Axton. Thanks.”
“Y--yeah, sure. Yeah I get it.” Axton’s heart is suddenly hammering, and he has to stop himself from protesting--instead, he gets up, and tentatively offers Jon a hand. “Uh… anytime, ok? You're part of our queer community. Like I said… I’ve got your back.”
Jon and Axton shake hands and feel a spark of electricity pass through them as they touch. It’s impossible not to notice, and just a little bit tough to let go.
“I’ll… I’ll see you around, Ax. Keep rocking, rockstar.”
“Heh… yeah. Stay relentless.”
Jon smiles at Axton and leaves his BnB; Axton sinks back to a seat, staring after him with a thin, bone-whire thread knotted through his ribs, trailing after him.
Fuck.
After his first couple of weeks in Baltimore were spent staying in a nice hotel, Axton found himself growing bored of the building and a bit uncomfortable. Even in LA, he wasn’t one for luxury living (by LA standards), preferring the comfort of a two-story home with a view; having too much space always made him feel… well, lonely.
So, once the initial hype of being in a new city had worn off, and he’d expended all the downtown tourism, the musician had moved himself to a nice little AirBnB housed in a bungalow home near a sprawling park. Almost immediately he’d felt better coming back to sleep in a place like this, with well-loved heavy curtains hung over the windows, a deeply plush sectional sofa, and a kitchen peppered with dumb kitschy shit that nevertheless made him smile. He’d set up crates for his Aussie Shepherds upstairs in the second bedroom, so they had somewhere quiet to sleep. It was about as close to a home away from home as he was going to get, and the owner had been more than happy to have a guaranteed, reliable tenant for the year.
Ax was the type of guy who loved company, so, of course, he was always ready for it. Even so, after receiving a message from Jon Willis asking if they could hang out and chat (about certain revelations presented during the Pay-Per-View)... well, he was a bit antsy. He didn’t really know anybody in Baltimore nearly as well as he knew Silvio, and usually when he was getting to know somebody new it was in a social setting that included a crowd. This was a bit more private than what he was used to, so it was hard not to feel like he had to be at his best.
After all, he’d totally bombed his first impression here in Baltimore, for the Legion, for a lot of his new colleagues. This might be a chance to start fresh with someone he’d rapidly grown to like and respect over the course of a few weeks and a few records.
Hearing a knock, Axton stands upright with a flutter of excitement in his chest, tossing the last of his strewn laundry into the basket in the upstairs hall. He shushes Huey on the way down, who was always the one who barked at company, firmly telling his Aussies to stay in the living room downstairs while he comes to the mud room and unlocks the latch.
Standing outside of Axton Gunn’s door is Jonathan Willis, dressed in jeans and a “Team Tree Lobster” shirt. He looks at Axton and smiles awkwardly.
“Hey Ax. Thanks for inviting me over. I’m glad we could get this worked out. Like I said over on Twitter, I’ve honestly got just a million questions. Can I come in?”
Axton can’t help but feel a swell of joy for the company, and that sense of solidarity and kinship he’d felt when Jon had made his announcement.
“Yeah, come on in, dude. Glad you found the place ok.” Stepping back to allow him inside, Axton gestures to the stairs. “There’s a huge couch down here, I figured we could chill there if you wanna take a load off, literally and figuratively. I hope you like dogs,” he added with a bit of a laugh. “My Aussies Huey and Irwin are gentle boys, they’ll probably just lie on the rug the entire time you’re here.”
Following Jon down to the living space, Ax lets him take first pick of seating on the couch before dropping down nearby. There’s a pitcher of iced tea and a couple of glasses on the coffee table already, forming rings of condensation on the old wood.
Jonathan sighs, takes a look around, and rubs his hands before resting his right leg on his left knee, holding it at the ankle with one hand and using the other to rub the back of his head. Jon takes a deep breath and speaks.
“So… I just… Oh man, I have no idea where to even begin. I don’t know anything about the LGBTQ culture. Is that even the right term? I feel like it’s the right term but I don’t know for sure. Everything’s been so hectic and crazy since I came out. I love and adore all the well wishes and everything, but everyone just wants to know everything. And then there’s the sex tape… Oh God, please tell me you didn’t watch the sex tape.”
“I didn’t,” Ax says quickly, holding up both hands. The leather bracelet he’s wearing slides down his wrist a bit, overlapping one of his tattoos. “Dude, I heard the part about that not being consented to. I’d never bash anybody in that industry--I mean fuck, I’m from LA, it’s a big industry--but I’m not gonna watch something you didn’t give anybody the OK to watch. That’s just shitty and honestly I’m so fuckin’ sorry that happened to you.”
“I just wish… Honestly, Ax, I’m still dealing with how I feel about all that. They arrested the guy that did it. I caught him red-handed. I got him to admit to everything, and the cherry on top, I got him to admit to several other illegal things as well. It felt like justice… but it also somewhat felt like revenge. And I’m not sure if revenge is what I wanted, despite everything he put me through. Me and him were best friends at one time. Maybe if I had seen something sooner… Seen the way he was going, seen how all the stress was affecting him… I don’t know man. I don’t really want to think about it. At least not now. So let’s get back to some other questions.”
Ax just nods, opting not to push the issue. To him it sounded as though that was something personal for Jon to work out. He let him go on.
“What should I start doing in order to really support the community? Are there some causes that I should be fighting for? Are there events I should be going to? Maybe a charity that helps people? There’s just so much I don’t know! This is super frustrating. I barely know where to even begin!”
“Hey, hey, slow down. Take a breath, sweetheart, we’ll roll through this one thing at a time.”
Axton’s tone is surprisingly gentle and sympathetic. He looks thoughtful for a second, and then hops up from the couch; he pulls those nice weighted curtains across the back windows, leaving the room with a warm incandescent glow and a sense of privacy and security.
“And…”
From his phone, he connects his Spotify to the speakers in the ceiling, flipping to a chill indie-rock playlist that gradually washes away the tension of silence.
He slides back down into a seat, absently settling himself closer to Jon as he does so. Rather than taking up the other side of the sectional, he was now nested in the corner, one knee drawn up close to his chest.
“You good?”
“Thanks. That helps. A lot. OK, I’m good. It just… It gets to be a little much, you know?”
Jon slides down on the couch, taking a more comfortable position than just sitting bolt upright. His shirt comes up slightly, revealing his athletic frame and six-pack abs. He nonchalantly pulls his shirt down.
“Oh yeah,” Axton hums, his meadowgreen eyes flickering absently to Jon’s briefly bare midriff--it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it before, but there was just a lot to appreciate there. “Trust me, I get that. It’s one thing to figure yourself out, but then letting that be public so much later in your life… it’s weird, but people like us sort of miss out on that whole ‘self discovery’ part of being a teenager. We miss the chance to explore that shit when we’re younger like everybody else, so you end up feeling like your whole life is delayed and you have all these seemingly obvious questions that everybody else already figured out when you’re an adult.”
Axton shrugs, sitting back with his hands folded on his stomach over the AJR logo on his shirt. “Then you’re kinda stuck without a parent or teacher to explain stuff to you and you gotta figure it out on your own. I think that’s why we kind of instinctively gravitate toward each other--it’s like we know we have to be each others’ support even before we say anything.”
He cocks his head to the side and shoots Jon a smile. “I guess… to answer some of your questions? You don’t need to feel obligated to fight for anything or put yourself out there, especially not this early. If you want, you’re welcome to come with when I do that stuff--I make it my business especially to do youth outreach for exactly the reasons I just said… but I think it’s really important to focus on you, right now, and your comfort levels, and find the kind of company you wanna keep that makes you feel wanted and safe and understood.”
“Wow… I honestly had never thought of it that way, but you’re exactly right. That’s exactly what it feels like. I wouldn’t mind going to an event. I’m always down to throw my support behind a good cause. But you’re right. I should be a little selfish right now, and take some time out for me. Discover what really makes me happy… and, I guess, who.”
“For sure, dude.”
“So… I guess my next question is… what’s the dating scene look like? I’ve… actually never dated before. At all. I was always either wrestling or, just, you know… hooking up. What if I want to have a serious relationship? Where should I even start? Should I look online, or download an app, or just hang out at a bar? A gay bar? Or just a bar in general? I’m not sure.”
That elicits a sympathetic smile from the musician. Jon wasn’t the only late-bloomer in that situation that he’d met, and he’s sure he wouldn’t be the last.
“If you start in a bar, you’re gonna find the kind of guy who likes going to the bar,” Ax says, scratching absently at his freckled neck. “Personally I think like… with dating, any dating, it’s important to start somewhere you know you’re gonna click about at least one thing. I met my first boyfriend at a concert, and my longest relationship ever was… Sarah, the bassist in my band back when that was a thing.” There’s an obvious twinge of discomfort there and he quickly moves on. “Anyway… online is fine since you can like, list your interests and stuff… but you’d be surprised how often you’ll run into people playing the same game just doing your own hobbies and shit.”
Like maybe browsing a record shop?
Axton stubbornly ignores that thought and powers on with a grin, trying to lighten the mood briefly.
“Just be open to it, man. You’ve given yourself a great opportunity to be honest about who you are in a really supportive space. And let’s be real, wrestling has always been a little gay.”
Jon throws his head back and laughs.
“Yeah, you’ve got me there. And the reaction I’ve gotten so far, from everyone in Carnage, has just been amazing. Especially from you. Thanks so much for taking the time to do this, Ax. So what’s a fun first date look like to you? Dinner and a show? A picnic at a beach or park or something? You mentioned a concert before, that sounds fun. Or do I just grab them by the shoulders and say seductively 'Mount me like a stallion'?”
Jon chuckles and grins.
Axton’s wheezing laugh has him doubled over his lap for a hot second as the words ‘mount me like a stallion’ adhere to the inside of his head and refuse to leave. He manages to collect himself with a breathy little ‘fuck’, sitting upright with a grin still in place.
“I mean… I’m an adrenaline junkie and I love spontaneous shit, so the concert was great… bring me to do something I’ve never tried, something exciting. I always wanna know that somebody I might stick around with long-term is gonna be cool with the fact that I’m not a homebody and I don’t really play safe. When you’re thinking about what to do on dates, it’s a good chance to see how somebody’s gonna react to the way you are every day, not just when you’re on your best behaviour. Imagine if you were gonna do this every week. Every month. Maybe for years, right? You start thinking ahead that far and you realize you can’t keep it fancy all the time. Sometimes a great date is just a snippet of what it’d be like to live together.”
Jonathan takes a few seconds to think it over, rubbing his chin as he does.
“That’s some really good advice, Ax. I’ll keep that in mind anytime I try to meet that special someone. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be really awkward at first, but I think I’ll be able to win him over in time. Whoever “him” ends up being. Speaking of awkward, though… I have to admit, I was wondering if this changes anything with any of the doctors I’m seeing. I’ve heard… rumors. Horror stories, if you want the honest truth. I was just wondering if you had any experience dealing with stuff like that. Any recommendations.”
Axton grimaces a bit, looking off with a hand on the back of his neck.
“I’m not gonna lie, dude… doctors and healthcare and all that can be a pretty different ball game when you’re out. Even though they’re supposed to have all that Hippocratic Oath shit, some of them aren’t gonna be able to hold back their personal biases and they’re gonna treat you different. It depends a lot on who you are, but a guy like you… you won’t be able to donate blood, and there’s the stigma around HIV to deal with. You’re just gonna have to be careful about stuff like what clinics you go to or if you have a GP, who that’s gonna be.”
He looks back to Jon with a brow raised, a light of concern in his eyes.
“And I mean, in our line of work, it’s hard to avoid hospitals sometimes. If we were in LA I could give you a few names, but I’d wanna check out the local LGBT youth support centre if I were you. I did a shoutout for them on my Twitter a while back if you wanna find it. They usually have a list of health care options that are safe for us... You don’t have to go into it blind.”
Jon nods along as Ax speaks and looks very appreciative.
“Man, that’s a lot to absorb. But I feel a lot better now that I know. OK, last question for now, I promise. I was just wondering, Ax… What was your coming out experience like? You mentioned something about it on Twitter, but I’m interested in hearing the full story. You’re an interesting person, Ax. I’d love to learn more about you.”
Oh boy.
Axton laughs, drawing in a slightly quavering breath. It’s almost impossible to shake the instinct to Nope out of his skin and possibly defenestrate himself at the mere thought of discussing his personal life… but he holds on.
He promised Silvio he would get better at this. He promised himself…. That, and Jon had come to him in trust and confidence. The least he could do was to return that trust.
“Well uh… like I said, I had to come out twice,” Ax says, looking down into his lap. “I figured out I was bi when I was young. Like, maybe 9 or 10 years old. I asked my mom if it was ok to like boys and girls, and… she was really, really supportive. My mom is Chumash, from the Cali Valley, so she talked to me a little about how that sort of thing was looked at as normal in our history and not to let European standards scare me away from being who I was. Other kids treated me different because I wasn’t quiet about it. I live loud. Sure, I got picked on, but I fought back. Because I had my mom there like a backbone, I made it through pretty ok. It just kind of inspired me to be that pillar for people who didn’t have one. And then uhh.”
He grins sheepishly, looking at the tattoo on his wrist--a familiar ring with three branching symbols.
“I’m sure you already know I’m a trans dude. I’m not really private about it anymore--a lot of my life is public just because of what I do for a living... but that was kind of when things got harder. It sucks watching other boys around you grow up and go through the paces--growth spurts, voices dropping, getting their dads to teach them how to shave… and I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body, but just that it wasn’t finished yet, and I was gonna have to wait to catch up.”
He lifts up part of his shirt, showing Jon the pale white scar just underneath his areola. Along his freckle-spotted ribs, the words “Too weird to live, too rare to die” are tattooed in a geometric script.
“When I got my surgery and started hormones I bet I felt the same kind of relief that you did up in the ring when you finally said it out loud.” He tugs the bottom of his shirt back down. “It’s like… now I get to live authentically. Now I get to be me and I don’t have to apologize to anyone for that. And when you’ve spent a big part of your life keeping something so integral to your identity in the dark like that… even if you know the people you’ve surrounded yourself with are gonna accept you, and you know you’re right about yourself, it can still be a terrifying thing to do. Just because there’s water at the bottom of the drop doesn’t make jumping off that cliff any less scary.”
Jon nods along and smiles.
“You’re right. That’s exactly what it felt like doing at Chaos 100: jumping off a cliff. But I’m glad I did it. I spent so much time living the lie, believing the lie, that I just… I don’t know. I wonder, sometimes, you know? Who could I have been if I had just admitted to myself from day one that I was gay? Would I have ever developed a drug habit? Would I even be a wrestler? And where do I go from here, now that I feel like this brand new person? It’s… heavy, you know? Lots to think about. Lots to do. But I appreciate you taking the time to answer all my questions. It felt good to take stock and try to get as much of this all sorted out as I could.”
Ax sighs, sinking into the couch and rubbing his face with both hands. “Damn… you’re right, that’s a lot of heavy shit. Sorry, I’ve been kinda… working on not putting on heelies to escape my feelies, so to speak, and it’s still hard. You wanna take a breather and put on a movie or something?”
“Sure, that sounds great. Let me run to the bathroom, that should give you some time to pull something up. I’ll be right back. And thanks Ax. For everything. I really appreciate this.”
“Hell yeah, fam.”
Jon goes to the bathroom, leaving Ax alone with his dogs and his thoughts for a little bit. Eventually Jon comes back down and sits down next to Ax, sighing contentedly, his shoulder brushing against Ax’s as he sits down. Axton doesn’t seem to mind at all. Jon leans back and stretches before folding his arms behind his head.
“This is really nice, Ax. I’ve been running so hard lately, it’ll be nice to just relax.”
“Yeah. I feel ya.”
Jon and Ax watch the movie, and it’s clear from the first few minutes that they’re enjoying both it and each other’s company. They laugh at the funny moments, cheer at the action moments, their eyes go wide at the surprising moments. About thirty minutes into the movie, Jon asks an innocent-sounding question.
“Oh wow, this movie is so awesome dude. I’d never even heard of it! Where on earth did you find it?”
“Oh man. I used to watch this one all the time with a friend of mine.” Axton laughs. “I was super stoked when I found it on Netflix because I lost the DVD years ago. Sometimes I get a deep spelunking going and I find all kinds of old gems on this thing.” He shifts comfortably on the couch, leaning on Jon just a bit. “I got all these memories of putting it on and just kicking back when things got hard… since everything’s been so hectic I thought it might be good to bring some of that back and give you a chance to just, Netflix and… and chill.”
At the word “chill”, both men’s eyes meet. A look passes between them. Jonathan gets up awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, causing Axton to lurch slightly into the place he was sitting. Jon pulls out his phone and checks the time.
“Oh man, it’s actually kinda getting late. I mean, I know it’s still the afternoon, I just meant like… I have something else to do. I think I’m late for a training session. It was… Uh… This was nice Axton. Thanks.”
“Y--yeah, sure. Yeah I get it.” Axton’s heart is suddenly hammering, and he has to stop himself from protesting--instead, he gets up, and tentatively offers Jon a hand. “Uh… anytime, ok? You're part of our queer community. Like I said… I’ve got your back.”
Jon and Axton shake hands and feel a spark of electricity pass through them as they touch. It’s impossible not to notice, and just a little bit tough to let go.
“I’ll… I’ll see you around, Ax. Keep rocking, rockstar.”
“Heh… yeah. Stay relentless.”
Jon smiles at Axton and leaves his BnB; Axton sinks back to a seat, staring after him with a thin, bone-whire thread knotted through his ribs, trailing after him.
Fuck.