Post by The Avenger on Sept 27, 2020 15:35:22 GMT -5
There was once a time when a brave superhero came into Carnage Wrestling, trying to save Baltimore in between his trips through the multiverse. We'll pick that story back up at some point, we promise. Try to ignore the fact it's been a couple of years and the multiverse would probably be destroyed. We promise that we'll have an ending to that story. When has a superhero tale ever given you a bait and switch?
Until then, we here at Carnage Comics (don't tell C$J he's funding an entire comic books division), would like to catch you up on what's been going on with this very special, very educational lesson from everyone's favorite superhero, The Avenger!
We currently find our hero in a makeshift classroom of sorts, complete with a blackboard, adorned with pictures of people we've got to know over the last volume. Most of them are Avengers, because that's who he was meeting. The Avenger swoops in, wearing a lab coat and fake glasses (conveniently placed over his mask).
The Avenger: Welcome, citizens, to Avenger's Super Helpful Guide to the Multiverse Ahead of His Upcoming Reboot. We're still workshopping the title. Go back, let's do it again.
Sorry, we're live pal.
The Avenger: Okay! That's fine. I can work with that.
He pulls out a pointer and slaps it against the chalkboard a few times, trying to quiet down a class that isn't actually there.
The Avenger: So you new kids might be wondering, who is this handsome, dashing, powerful, heroic, well-spoken, high-flying, intelligent, well-dressed...
As The Avenger continues to ramble, we should point out that this special introductory issue of AVENGERVERSE, VOLUME 2 is brought to you by, Boy's Orange Cookies! For when you just want to dig the graves at midnight, try Boy's Orange Cookies! Die Tweever!
And now, let's see where the Avenger is.
The Avenger: ...an awesome friend. A smart cookie. Impeccable manners...OH! wait...where was I going with this? Oh yeah, you're wondering who I am!
The Avenger puts his fists on his hips and looks out to the side, making his best superhero pose.
The Avenger: I am the Avenger and I happen to be....a hero! A SUPER hero! So super, in fact, I couldn't let a losing streak and being temporarily fired stop me! I have things to do, people to save. An entire city needs me! Well, and the multiverse.
He waves his hand casually, clearly needing to sort out his priorities.
The Avenger: Just know that every loss before was a gift to the person fighting me. I have superpowers, obviously I can win whenever I want. But since I'm selfless and they needed it more, I toned it down. Anyway, I'm here to give you a handy-dandy guide on what happened in the last volume of this look at my amazing adventures!
He aims the pointer at a picture that looks like the Avenger, if he gained another four-hundred pounds.
The Avenger: This is Fat Me! Yes, I know the picture is blurry, but we were moving through a wormhole at the time. Transdimensional selfies are dangerous, don't let the cool kids tell you otherwise.
Avenger shakes his head, repressing some bad memories.
The Avenger: One time I was having a moment of doubt back in the long-ago days of OWF. The long, long ago days. This Fat Avenger...
He's not going to be happy you're body shaming him.
The Avenger: Hey! The Avenger does NOT body shame! I have fat-word privileges with him! But only he and I can talk about how rotund he is, you weightists.
That's not a word. And I'm 99% sure you don't have the right to insult him.
The Avenger: Well he's not exactly here to tell you otherwise, is he?
As the Avenger kept arguing with a narrative construct, no doubt ensuring the entire Carnage roster thought he was crazy, he decided to change subjects.
The Avenger: I'll narrative YOUR construct. Anyway, this...um...BBA (big beautiful Avenger) came up to me and told me there was an entire multiverse in jeopardy? A terrible rapper and even worse wrestler, who isn't even alive in our universe, was winning World titles. That kind of thing creates a paradox, so it was ripping those universes apart. He was winning with this device he had, and so we created a team of Mes to stop him.
He points out a group photo with the Avengers from Earth #536, #1971, #90210 and our Earth, designated #616.
The Avenger: We had a lot of crazy adventures. In one universe, Lucy Wylde was a dinosaur! In another, she was a robot! In all of them, she hates Drake. HATES him. In another one, Greg Jackson was President! Good thing we don't have any celebrities in office now! Anyway, it's a long story, which is why you should pick up this...
He picks up a book with his grinning face on the cover, giving a thumbs up.
The Avenger: This Avengerverse, Volume 1 trade paperback, available now in all comic shops and some of your seedier gas stations!
He then throws the book behind him and carries on.
The Avenger: But we also met cowboys, hung out with scientists, found out that time travel was real. I suffered massive head trauma and kicked a 2010 version of Doctor Winn in the face!
A sign above him begins to flash, letting him know that he needs to wrap it up.
The Avenger: Already? Fine. My point is, we never quite hit our goal in those adventures. But the multiverse is still here, and I'm still around to wrestle in Carnage! So what does that mean? Were we successful?
He motions for the camera to come in closer and when it does, he places a hand to the side of his mouth and whispers at it.
The Avenger: Yes! But I can't tell you the details now. You'll have to read all about it in Avengerverse, Volume 2, Issue 1, which will be out....when?
Sometime before Chaos 101. If you get booked.
The Avenger: Sometime before Chaos 101. if I ge...of course I'm gonna get booked!
The Avenger backs away from the camera and pouts, before shaking his head and smiling again.
The Avenger: And BEFORE THAT, don't forget citizens, you can still sign up for the GREAT SUPERHERO DECATHALON! A series of heroic contests to determine who will best be my sidekick!
Tag team partner.
The Avenger: Huh?
You're looking for a tag team partner. Not a sidekick.
The Avenger: Oh. Yeah, right. That. Tag Team Partner. Anyway, there are flyers and sign-up boards posted literally ALL OVER the Carnage Arena. Find one and sign up! May the best sidekick....um...tag team partner..win! That's all for today, citizens! Have your pets spayed or neutered!
He waves at the camera, grinning, as a graphic loads up with two very important dates.
SUPERHERO DECATHALON - CHAOS 100 - OCTOBER 12 - SIGN UP NOW!
AVENGERVERSE, VOL. 2, ISSUE #1 - ON NEWSSTANDS NEXT MONTH!
Until then, we here at Carnage Comics (don't tell C$J he's funding an entire comic books division), would like to catch you up on what's been going on with this very special, very educational lesson from everyone's favorite superhero, The Avenger!
We currently find our hero in a makeshift classroom of sorts, complete with a blackboard, adorned with pictures of people we've got to know over the last volume. Most of them are Avengers, because that's who he was meeting. The Avenger swoops in, wearing a lab coat and fake glasses (conveniently placed over his mask).
The Avenger: Welcome, citizens, to Avenger's Super Helpful Guide to the Multiverse Ahead of His Upcoming Reboot. We're still workshopping the title. Go back, let's do it again.
Sorry, we're live pal.
The Avenger: Okay! That's fine. I can work with that.
He pulls out a pointer and slaps it against the chalkboard a few times, trying to quiet down a class that isn't actually there.
The Avenger: So you new kids might be wondering, who is this handsome, dashing, powerful, heroic, well-spoken, high-flying, intelligent, well-dressed...
As The Avenger continues to ramble, we should point out that this special introductory issue of AVENGERVERSE, VOLUME 2 is brought to you by, Boy's Orange Cookies! For when you just want to dig the graves at midnight, try Boy's Orange Cookies! Die Tweever!
And now, let's see where the Avenger is.
The Avenger: ...an awesome friend. A smart cookie. Impeccable manners...OH! wait...where was I going with this? Oh yeah, you're wondering who I am!
The Avenger puts his fists on his hips and looks out to the side, making his best superhero pose.
The Avenger: I am the Avenger and I happen to be....a hero! A SUPER hero! So super, in fact, I couldn't let a losing streak and being temporarily fired stop me! I have things to do, people to save. An entire city needs me! Well, and the multiverse.
He waves his hand casually, clearly needing to sort out his priorities.
The Avenger: Just know that every loss before was a gift to the person fighting me. I have superpowers, obviously I can win whenever I want. But since I'm selfless and they needed it more, I toned it down. Anyway, I'm here to give you a handy-dandy guide on what happened in the last volume of this look at my amazing adventures!
He aims the pointer at a picture that looks like the Avenger, if he gained another four-hundred pounds.
The Avenger: This is Fat Me! Yes, I know the picture is blurry, but we were moving through a wormhole at the time. Transdimensional selfies are dangerous, don't let the cool kids tell you otherwise.
Avenger shakes his head, repressing some bad memories.
The Avenger: One time I was having a moment of doubt back in the long-ago days of OWF. The long, long ago days. This Fat Avenger...
He's not going to be happy you're body shaming him.
The Avenger: Hey! The Avenger does NOT body shame! I have fat-word privileges with him! But only he and I can talk about how rotund he is, you weightists.
That's not a word. And I'm 99% sure you don't have the right to insult him.
The Avenger: Well he's not exactly here to tell you otherwise, is he?
As the Avenger kept arguing with a narrative construct, no doubt ensuring the entire Carnage roster thought he was crazy, he decided to change subjects.
The Avenger: I'll narrative YOUR construct. Anyway, this...um...BBA (big beautiful Avenger) came up to me and told me there was an entire multiverse in jeopardy? A terrible rapper and even worse wrestler, who isn't even alive in our universe, was winning World titles. That kind of thing creates a paradox, so it was ripping those universes apart. He was winning with this device he had, and so we created a team of Mes to stop him.
He points out a group photo with the Avengers from Earth #536, #1971, #90210 and our Earth, designated #616.
The Avenger: We had a lot of crazy adventures. In one universe, Lucy Wylde was a dinosaur! In another, she was a robot! In all of them, she hates Drake. HATES him. In another one, Greg Jackson was President! Good thing we don't have any celebrities in office now! Anyway, it's a long story, which is why you should pick up this...
He picks up a book with his grinning face on the cover, giving a thumbs up.
The Avenger: This Avengerverse, Volume 1 trade paperback, available now in all comic shops and some of your seedier gas stations!
He then throws the book behind him and carries on.
The Avenger: But we also met cowboys, hung out with scientists, found out that time travel was real. I suffered massive head trauma and kicked a 2010 version of Doctor Winn in the face!
A sign above him begins to flash, letting him know that he needs to wrap it up.
The Avenger: Already? Fine. My point is, we never quite hit our goal in those adventures. But the multiverse is still here, and I'm still around to wrestle in Carnage! So what does that mean? Were we successful?
He motions for the camera to come in closer and when it does, he places a hand to the side of his mouth and whispers at it.
The Avenger: Yes! But I can't tell you the details now. You'll have to read all about it in Avengerverse, Volume 2, Issue 1, which will be out....when?
Sometime before Chaos 101. If you get booked.
The Avenger: Sometime before Chaos 101. if I ge...of course I'm gonna get booked!
The Avenger backs away from the camera and pouts, before shaking his head and smiling again.
The Avenger: And BEFORE THAT, don't forget citizens, you can still sign up for the GREAT SUPERHERO DECATHALON! A series of heroic contests to determine who will best be my sidekick!
Tag team partner.
The Avenger: Huh?
You're looking for a tag team partner. Not a sidekick.
The Avenger: Oh. Yeah, right. That. Tag Team Partner. Anyway, there are flyers and sign-up boards posted literally ALL OVER the Carnage Arena. Find one and sign up! May the best sidekick....um...tag team partner..win! That's all for today, citizens! Have your pets spayed or neutered!
He waves at the camera, grinning, as a graphic loads up with two very important dates.
SUPERHERO DECATHALON - CHAOS 100 - OCTOBER 12 - SIGN UP NOW!
AVENGERVERSE, VOL. 2, ISSUE #1 - ON NEWSSTANDS NEXT MONTH!