Post by thedragonlady on Aug 20, 2020 23:51:48 GMT -5
A Mother's Love
The woman took hold of her daughter's hand. . . . .
The woman's name is Yua.. . . .
I tried to hold back a cough then. My free hand went to my chest and clutched. No reason to make my daughter more worried. My light. My hope. My Pearl. A beautiful girl. Innocent to everything bad. Shielded from toxic people especially her father.
What a night that had been. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. Spending a night with a man named Frank. It was a mistake, until Frank was already long gone back to the Americas. And then I found out I was pregnant. With my beautiful baby girl.
I want to cry so bad right now. As I looked down at my Pearl standing there staring about. Her blue eyes looking like glaciers from tears that looked like they were ready to fall any second. But they didn't. Despite the fact, this is the most scared I've ever seen her.
They walked holding hands to the line they waited in to get on a plane to the America's. Back to find Frank.
I have nowhere else to take her. My parents are already gone. No brothers or sisters. Frank is my last hope. And if I am lucky he cleaned his act up. I cannot stay here with her any longer. I am sick. And I need help. And unlike most people, I already know when my time is going to be up.
The man who stamped our tickets and let us onto the plane, he went pale when his eyes met mine. I am not stupid. He handed me back our tickets and passports quickly bowing as he did so. He must be able to tell. I am sick.
But to my Pearl. Do I look sick? Do I look like I am dying? No. This beautiful girl. My Pearl only saw her mama. I held back those tears again as I led her onto the plane and sat her in a seat next to me. I buckled her in her seat. She didn't say a word to me. She just looked around scared.
She must be scared she is doing something she has never done before. And baby, I wish I could tell you life gets simpler as you get older. But it doesn't sweetheart.
I buckled into my seat next to her and then reached an arm around her and let my beautiful Pearl lean into me for comfort. "Shhhh. Shhhh."
I closed my eyes as the plane began to ascend. And I began singing to my Pearl a lullaby.
(youtu.be/GI9JMDGrVA4 ooc if you can, hit the link and read the rest with this song playing)
I sang low. Only loud enough for little Pearl's ears to hear alone. I will not lie to myself. My voice is shaking at certain parts of the lullaby and not just because it hurt to sing as every muscle felt in pain as I tried to make a sound beautiful from a sick and withering body. But because I already know what this lullaby means to me. I feel sad as I sing. But I sing, none the less, to try to comfort and console My Pearl and myself.
I chose that lullaby to sing for a reason. I hope one day, my Pearl will hear this song, or remember my voice as I sang this to her sweet innocent soul, and know she deserves love. And know, just how much I loved her. And how much I will love her still after I am gone. I love you baby girl.
Wrapped under an arm I did not see this eleven year old girl. I saw my baby. The infant that changed my whole life. And for the better. My most rare and perfect Pearl.
I placed a kiss on her little head then. After her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful. So beautiful. I prayed then. Asking, that my Pearl one day know she is a strong woman. A woman who can endure whatever comes her way. And that she know she was and is my world.
The night after my first match
Mameha and I stayed quiet on the way home. My mask is put away at this point. My body is sore as hell. I don't think I have ever taken a beating this bad. And I... Well. I expected to feel different after my match.I thought I would feel accomplished. I thought I would feel the way Mameha always looks. But I don't.
I feel....
Nothing.
The cab pulled in front of our apartment and we got out after I paid the driver some cash plus a tip. Still feeling nothing. After the cab driver took off Mameha walked up the steps towards our apartment. I did not follow her.
She turned back to face me after opening the door and pushing it open and realizing I had not followed. "Pearl?"
I stayed quiet a moment and then said, "I need to take a walk. I just need a moment." Mameha nodded and silently went inside our apartment closing the door behind her.
I began my walk. The neighborhood we lived in was a decent place. Quiet. Except for the sound of an occasional car that passed by. The smell of the ocean and more rain on the way filled the air.
I walked until I got to a dock with boats lining either side and went to a railing and rested my elbows down. My hands dangled over the dark water below. And then I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly.
What did I do wrong? I was so close to winning. So close to finding that thing every person I imagine looked for. Maybe some needed. But I'm still left with this feeling like my goal is so far away.
I let Mameha down. I let my mom down. I let the two ladies I loved most down. Because I still do not see peace in my sights yet. What is it I am missing? What is it Mameha has that makes her always so calm? At ease?
What made my mom so peaceful? How could she have felt peace when she held onto my hand sick and dying while I stared at her not knowing she would be gone by morning?
How? How do and did they do this? And if Frank were here? What would he say? Call me dumb again. Maybe tell me to go take a big swig of whiskey and then another until not a drop was left?
I blame Frank. For leaving me feeling like I can never find peace. He sure as hell never had any peace. And spent many years telling me I would end up just like him. A nobody who could only make the best out of the shit they had. Never aim for something better because most people just fail. And those to blame is the rest of the world for not being easier.
Gah. I am so glad Frank is far away. Him trying to talk to me now would do me no good with all this negativity in my mind. I walked back to my apartment then missing my mom so bad. I'm feeling pretty bad for myself right now. I shouldn't but I do.
I take myself to my room silently and change into some pajama pants and a tank top. Then I sat on my bed. A million pillows stacked there because I love pillows. I brought my knees up to my chest and rested my head on my knees. I just sat there for a long time, trying to make sense of what I am feeling.
Finally when I was tired and my brain stopped with all the thoughts. I laid down on my huge pile of pillows and drifted to sleep. My last thought on how tomorrow would go with Mameha and training. For I refuse to believe I came to Carnage for no reason other than to find the peace I have longed for. These negative feelings can't always be here.
I refuse to believe it.