It's OK to not be OK [Axton/Jon]
Jan 31, 2021 13:58:56 GMT -5
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Post by Axton Gunn on Jan 31, 2021 13:58:56 GMT -5
Axton had given Jon a key to his bungalow some time ago--before they’d taken the belts--just in case he needed it. Usually, Axton was fond of surprise visits, always touched by the idea that a friend might show up unprompted. Thinking of him. Offering time--something one could give that they couldn’t take back. It was a commitment, in a way, and Axton liked to know that he was worth committing to… even if it was just minutes and seconds.
Jon knocks before entering Axton’s apartment, wanting to be polite. He enters with his key, glad that Axton gave it to him, his heart going out to his friend. His friend, and so much more now. His partner. His fellow champion. His boyfriend. Right before they made that official, Jon told Axton how, since the first time ever seeing him, Jon could seemingly just… sense… when Axton was hurting. When Axton needed him. He feels it now, and begins looking for Axton throughout the bungalow.
As Jon descends to the lower floor, he spots a chaotic mess sprawled across the corner sofa; there are blankets covering most of the cushions, piled high, as though the rockstar has pulled everything off his bed to camp in the rec room. There are ice packs and painkillers on the coffee table next to an open laptop, and a half-empty bottle of Absolut Raspberry that looks as though it’s been untouched since the night before. The TV is on, currently in the middle of the diner scene in Blues Brothers (Four fried chickens and a coke)... and the bullet blender has been brought from upstairs, sitting on top of the mini fridge in the corner.
It’s not exactly the scene of someone having a crisis or a breakdown, but rather one of someone doing their best to stay away from the public eye and the outside world.
Said someone emerges from the bathroom behind Jon, fresh out of a shower--hair damp and hands just in the process of buttoning up a pair of jeans--and stops short in surprise, meeting his eyes. Axton’s left eye is forced into a slight squint, a brutal muddle of purple, black and blue marking the spot where Dominick Strife kicked him; it’s borderline painful to look at.
Axton seems to abruptly realize just how visible his injury is, within that same second, and hastily looks away, laughing nervously and looking sidelong at Jon from his right side. “H-hey, haha. Jon… Didn’t know you were comin’ by.”
Jon slowly walks up to Axton, and with his left arm, he gently takes Axton’s hand and holds it. With his right, he slowly turns Axton’s face so he can look at him.
“How bad is it? Anything permanent?”
“It’s fine,” Axton says hastily, pecking Jon fondly on the cheek before moving past him toward his nest-den of social reclusion. “You wanna stay and watch the rest of Blues Brothers with me? You’ve seen it, right?”
“Honestly, no. I’ve seen the sequel a few times as a kid, I just never got around to watching the first one. I’d love to.”
“Oh hell yes. Lemme start it again from the beginning--this is gonna be fun.”
The musician flops down into the blanket nest, and makes playful grabbing-hands at his boyfriend with a pleading smile.
“I’ll feel better if you c’mere and cuddle me.”
Jon smiles, sitting next to Axton, before holding his arms out. Jon and Axton share a deep hug; Axton more or less melts himself into Jon’s embrace, nuzzling at him with a warm hum.
“I love you, rockstar.”
“Love you too, loco.”
Jon gently begins cuddling Axton, the two men relaxing into each other. They watch the movie for a while. But Jon can tell that something is off. He can still feel that Axton needs something. He gently begins running his fingers through Axton’s hair and speaks.
“I know it’s a touchy subject, but that match you had… and the way Dom treated you…”
“Can we talk about that later?”
Axton sighs, nuzzling into Jon’s neck on the couch. The Rockstar smells like citrus and sandalwood, a tantalizing combination clinging to his skin, still warm from the shower.
Jon gently breathes in his boyfriend, planting a soft kiss on his neck and later on his cheek. Axton seems settled by that, his shoulders relaxing.
“Sorry I haven’t been out and about much… I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Ax. But I just think that-”
Axton softly interrupts Jon with a kiss… and then another, and another. The transition is so smooth and so enticing, and Axton’s sigh is so sweet and happy. His hand feels soft, the way it cradles the back of Jon’s neck, and his weight settles so pleasantly against him and into the plush blankets and cushions beneath the pair--
Jon shakes his head, pulls away, and gently pushes Axton off of him. The musician makes a plaintive whine in his throat as he does.
“Axton, we really need to talk. About Dom. About The Entourage. About everything.”
Axton opens his mouth to protest, but his voice dies on his tongue. Instead he shuffles away, standing up, rubbing at the back of his damp hair with both hands.
“I’m ok, for real. I’ll get over it.” He laughs, tense and forced. “It’s just a dumb little feud and Dom is being a dick and… and I’m handling this. You’re reading into this too much.”
“No. I’m not. You’re hiding something. I know it. I want you to be honest with me, Axton. We’re more than just friends and tag team partners and champions now. We’re in this together. Your scars are my scars. Your pain is my pain. And I know you’re hurting.”
“Jon…” Axton’s voice is strained with protest, avoiding his eyes. “Don’t…”
“Axton, please, don’t do this. Don’t make this mistake. You’re doing what I did, just in reverse. I tried pulling you in to avoid talking about something that was really hurting me. And now you’re pushing me away. You did the right thing then, and I’m doing the right thing now.”
Axton blinks the glaze from his eyes, holding a hand over his injured one. He’s visibly tensing--a fight-or-flight instinct kicking in.
“It’s not the s-- ...Jon. Seriously, knock it off. If you’re gonna be like this you can just go. You don’t need to come in here and fucking... fix me.”
Jon gets up and plants himself directly in front of Axton, looking him in the eyes as he speaks. Axton is a deer in headlights, his heart twisting in his chest.
“No. No, Axton. Never going to happen. Not in a million years. I know you don’t want me to leave. And I’m not fixing you, rockstar. You’re fixing yourself. All of this, everything we’ve been through? All the tough times that led to the beautiful moments, that led to us becoming champions? You think any of that could’ve happened if you hadn’t decided to make a change in your life? You finally started believing in yourself. You finally started believing that you deserve to be happy. And I’m never going to let you forget that.”
Again, Axton’s words die on his tongue. Unable to retort, he turns back turned to Jon, trembling at the shoulders, slowly winding his arms around himself.
Jon slowly walks in front of Axton, and once again plants himself like a stone in front of the rockstar.
“I mean it, rockstar. I’m not leaving. Hug me if you want to. Take a swing at me if you need to. But I’m not leaving you. I don’t leave people. I don’t abandon people. Not anymore. And I definitely don’t abandon the one person that means more to me than anyone else in the world.”
Axton looks up, tears of misery and frustration trickling down both cheeks.
“Just go...”
“No. I’m here. I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere. Come here.”
With no ammunition or fight left, Axton sobs, folding himself into Jon’s arms. He winds his own around him tightly, clinging to him, hiding his bruised face in Jon’s collarbone.
“You’re right…! You’re right. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re right, I’m sorry…”
“It’s ok, Ax. It’s ok. I’ve got you. And I’m not letting go.”
Gently, Jon leads Axton back to the blanket nest on the sofa, drawing him down into it. He settles with his back up against the pillows and lets Axton rest his head on his chest, gently stroking his fingertips through Axton’s spikes of dirty blonde hair.
“I just… I don’t know what to do. I’m so… I’m so angry. I’m not even mad about my eye--it’s everything else. I don’t wanna lose my friends, Jon. I’m so scared. Too many people have ditched me in my life and every time it happens again I feel like I’m dying, like I’m falling without a line and I can’t breathe.”
His breath hitches. “I couldn’t keep my mom home, no matter how hard I tried to be enough to make her stay, she’d always leave me alone and go back to the military… I’d be lucky if dad even looked at me. So many friends, and partners, just… getting bored of me, impatient with me, leaving. I know I’m hard to deal with. I know I’m a lot. And now it’s happening again with Dominick--and I don’t know how to fix it… I’m so sick of not being good enough to keep people around. I don’t wanna lose anyone else, Jon, I’m so fucking scared…!”
“I’m sorry, Axton. I’m sorry so many people have abandoned you in your life. I know a little something about being alienated, about feeling all alone. But I hope you believe me when I say that the good ones tend to stick around, no offense to anyone you’ve known. The people that stick with you through thick and thin, each and every time, no matter what? They’re out there, rockstar. I’m sorry you’ve had so much trouble finding them. But they’re out there. People like Silvio. Like Seb. Like me. I love you with all my heart.”
Axton’s sobbing quiets, squeezing his eyes shut. His grip is tight and quavering.
“I don’t know what the future holds. But I know I want you to be a part of my future. I know I’ll never stop loving you. And I know it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be worried. But I know you’re strong enough to get through any obstacle life throws at you. You’re a survivor, Axton. You’re a fighter. When everyone thinks you’re dead and gone, when the whole world has stopped believing in you, you find the courage to believe in yourself and the strength to survive against all the odds. You’re a hero, Axton Gunn. You’re one of the good guys.”
Jon gently whispers in Axton’s ear and kisses him on the cheek.
“You’re a tree lobster.”
Axton huffs a breathy, cracked little laugh; his breathing deepens and evens out, his iron grip relaxing. For a while, the two of them are just silent; Axton listens to Jon’s heart under his tattoo, counting the pulses. Letting himself feel… sad. Empty. Hurt. Afraid. And then… calm… maybe even hopeful.
Sitting up, he places a gentle, feathery kiss to the corner of Jon’s mouth, his voice a little raspy when he speaks.
“Thank you.”
Jon gently holds Axton’s hand and puts his brow against Axton’s.
“Anytime, rockstar. Anytime.”
“... You still wanna watch Blues Brothers…? I can’t believe you haven’t seen the first one… it’s iconic.”
“Yeah, let’s see what all the fuss is about. And let’s watch the sequel too. I think it’s under-rated. And you know how I feel about things that are under-rated.”
Axton manages a shaky grin, tipping his chin up and nuzzling Jon’s nose.
“You’re always willing to give imperfect things a chance.”
Jon knocks before entering Axton’s apartment, wanting to be polite. He enters with his key, glad that Axton gave it to him, his heart going out to his friend. His friend, and so much more now. His partner. His fellow champion. His boyfriend. Right before they made that official, Jon told Axton how, since the first time ever seeing him, Jon could seemingly just… sense… when Axton was hurting. When Axton needed him. He feels it now, and begins looking for Axton throughout the bungalow.
As Jon descends to the lower floor, he spots a chaotic mess sprawled across the corner sofa; there are blankets covering most of the cushions, piled high, as though the rockstar has pulled everything off his bed to camp in the rec room. There are ice packs and painkillers on the coffee table next to an open laptop, and a half-empty bottle of Absolut Raspberry that looks as though it’s been untouched since the night before. The TV is on, currently in the middle of the diner scene in Blues Brothers (Four fried chickens and a coke)... and the bullet blender has been brought from upstairs, sitting on top of the mini fridge in the corner.
It’s not exactly the scene of someone having a crisis or a breakdown, but rather one of someone doing their best to stay away from the public eye and the outside world.
Said someone emerges from the bathroom behind Jon, fresh out of a shower--hair damp and hands just in the process of buttoning up a pair of jeans--and stops short in surprise, meeting his eyes. Axton’s left eye is forced into a slight squint, a brutal muddle of purple, black and blue marking the spot where Dominick Strife kicked him; it’s borderline painful to look at.
Axton seems to abruptly realize just how visible his injury is, within that same second, and hastily looks away, laughing nervously and looking sidelong at Jon from his right side. “H-hey, haha. Jon… Didn’t know you were comin’ by.”
Jon slowly walks up to Axton, and with his left arm, he gently takes Axton’s hand and holds it. With his right, he slowly turns Axton’s face so he can look at him.
“How bad is it? Anything permanent?”
“It’s fine,” Axton says hastily, pecking Jon fondly on the cheek before moving past him toward his nest-den of social reclusion. “You wanna stay and watch the rest of Blues Brothers with me? You’ve seen it, right?”
“Honestly, no. I’ve seen the sequel a few times as a kid, I just never got around to watching the first one. I’d love to.”
“Oh hell yes. Lemme start it again from the beginning--this is gonna be fun.”
The musician flops down into the blanket nest, and makes playful grabbing-hands at his boyfriend with a pleading smile.
“I’ll feel better if you c’mere and cuddle me.”
Jon smiles, sitting next to Axton, before holding his arms out. Jon and Axton share a deep hug; Axton more or less melts himself into Jon’s embrace, nuzzling at him with a warm hum.
“I love you, rockstar.”
“Love you too, loco.”
Jon gently begins cuddling Axton, the two men relaxing into each other. They watch the movie for a while. But Jon can tell that something is off. He can still feel that Axton needs something. He gently begins running his fingers through Axton’s hair and speaks.
“I know it’s a touchy subject, but that match you had… and the way Dom treated you…”
“Can we talk about that later?”
Axton sighs, nuzzling into Jon’s neck on the couch. The Rockstar smells like citrus and sandalwood, a tantalizing combination clinging to his skin, still warm from the shower.
Jon gently breathes in his boyfriend, planting a soft kiss on his neck and later on his cheek. Axton seems settled by that, his shoulders relaxing.
“Sorry I haven’t been out and about much… I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Ax. But I just think that-”
Axton softly interrupts Jon with a kiss… and then another, and another. The transition is so smooth and so enticing, and Axton’s sigh is so sweet and happy. His hand feels soft, the way it cradles the back of Jon’s neck, and his weight settles so pleasantly against him and into the plush blankets and cushions beneath the pair--
Jon shakes his head, pulls away, and gently pushes Axton off of him. The musician makes a plaintive whine in his throat as he does.
“Axton, we really need to talk. About Dom. About The Entourage. About everything.”
Axton opens his mouth to protest, but his voice dies on his tongue. Instead he shuffles away, standing up, rubbing at the back of his damp hair with both hands.
“I’m ok, for real. I’ll get over it.” He laughs, tense and forced. “It’s just a dumb little feud and Dom is being a dick and… and I’m handling this. You’re reading into this too much.”
“No. I’m not. You’re hiding something. I know it. I want you to be honest with me, Axton. We’re more than just friends and tag team partners and champions now. We’re in this together. Your scars are my scars. Your pain is my pain. And I know you’re hurting.”
“Jon…” Axton’s voice is strained with protest, avoiding his eyes. “Don’t…”
“Axton, please, don’t do this. Don’t make this mistake. You’re doing what I did, just in reverse. I tried pulling you in to avoid talking about something that was really hurting me. And now you’re pushing me away. You did the right thing then, and I’m doing the right thing now.”
Axton blinks the glaze from his eyes, holding a hand over his injured one. He’s visibly tensing--a fight-or-flight instinct kicking in.
“It’s not the s-- ...Jon. Seriously, knock it off. If you’re gonna be like this you can just go. You don’t need to come in here and fucking... fix me.”
Jon gets up and plants himself directly in front of Axton, looking him in the eyes as he speaks. Axton is a deer in headlights, his heart twisting in his chest.
“No. No, Axton. Never going to happen. Not in a million years. I know you don’t want me to leave. And I’m not fixing you, rockstar. You’re fixing yourself. All of this, everything we’ve been through? All the tough times that led to the beautiful moments, that led to us becoming champions? You think any of that could’ve happened if you hadn’t decided to make a change in your life? You finally started believing in yourself. You finally started believing that you deserve to be happy. And I’m never going to let you forget that.”
Again, Axton’s words die on his tongue. Unable to retort, he turns back turned to Jon, trembling at the shoulders, slowly winding his arms around himself.
Jon slowly walks in front of Axton, and once again plants himself like a stone in front of the rockstar.
“I mean it, rockstar. I’m not leaving. Hug me if you want to. Take a swing at me if you need to. But I’m not leaving you. I don’t leave people. I don’t abandon people. Not anymore. And I definitely don’t abandon the one person that means more to me than anyone else in the world.”
Axton looks up, tears of misery and frustration trickling down both cheeks.
“Just go...”
“No. I’m here. I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere. Come here.”
With no ammunition or fight left, Axton sobs, folding himself into Jon’s arms. He winds his own around him tightly, clinging to him, hiding his bruised face in Jon’s collarbone.
“You’re right…! You’re right. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re right, I’m sorry…”
“It’s ok, Ax. It’s ok. I’ve got you. And I’m not letting go.”
Gently, Jon leads Axton back to the blanket nest on the sofa, drawing him down into it. He settles with his back up against the pillows and lets Axton rest his head on his chest, gently stroking his fingertips through Axton’s spikes of dirty blonde hair.
“I just… I don’t know what to do. I’m so… I’m so angry. I’m not even mad about my eye--it’s everything else. I don’t wanna lose my friends, Jon. I’m so scared. Too many people have ditched me in my life and every time it happens again I feel like I’m dying, like I’m falling without a line and I can’t breathe.”
His breath hitches. “I couldn’t keep my mom home, no matter how hard I tried to be enough to make her stay, she’d always leave me alone and go back to the military… I’d be lucky if dad even looked at me. So many friends, and partners, just… getting bored of me, impatient with me, leaving. I know I’m hard to deal with. I know I’m a lot. And now it’s happening again with Dominick--and I don’t know how to fix it… I’m so sick of not being good enough to keep people around. I don’t wanna lose anyone else, Jon, I’m so fucking scared…!”
“I’m sorry, Axton. I’m sorry so many people have abandoned you in your life. I know a little something about being alienated, about feeling all alone. But I hope you believe me when I say that the good ones tend to stick around, no offense to anyone you’ve known. The people that stick with you through thick and thin, each and every time, no matter what? They’re out there, rockstar. I’m sorry you’ve had so much trouble finding them. But they’re out there. People like Silvio. Like Seb. Like me. I love you with all my heart.”
Axton’s sobbing quiets, squeezing his eyes shut. His grip is tight and quavering.
“I don’t know what the future holds. But I know I want you to be a part of my future. I know I’ll never stop loving you. And I know it’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to be worried. But I know you’re strong enough to get through any obstacle life throws at you. You’re a survivor, Axton. You’re a fighter. When everyone thinks you’re dead and gone, when the whole world has stopped believing in you, you find the courage to believe in yourself and the strength to survive against all the odds. You’re a hero, Axton Gunn. You’re one of the good guys.”
Jon gently whispers in Axton’s ear and kisses him on the cheek.
“You’re a tree lobster.”
Axton huffs a breathy, cracked little laugh; his breathing deepens and evens out, his iron grip relaxing. For a while, the two of them are just silent; Axton listens to Jon’s heart under his tattoo, counting the pulses. Letting himself feel… sad. Empty. Hurt. Afraid. And then… calm… maybe even hopeful.
Sitting up, he places a gentle, feathery kiss to the corner of Jon’s mouth, his voice a little raspy when he speaks.
“Thank you.”
Jon gently holds Axton’s hand and puts his brow against Axton’s.
“Anytime, rockstar. Anytime.”
“... You still wanna watch Blues Brothers…? I can’t believe you haven’t seen the first one… it’s iconic.”
“Yeah, let’s see what all the fuss is about. And let’s watch the sequel too. I think it’s under-rated. And you know how I feel about things that are under-rated.”
Axton manages a shaky grin, tipping his chin up and nuzzling Jon’s nose.
“You’re always willing to give imperfect things a chance.”