Kat Jones Vs. The Avenger

LAST TIME IN THE AVENGERVERSE: Season one was crazy! Alternate Avengers, robots, dinosaurs, ball pits, other crazy things. Honestly, you’re better off checking out the recap our favorite superhero did for you.



The Avenger: That’s kind of lazy, narrator.



Why do any work when you did it for me?



The Avenger: Don’t make me dock your pay for season two.



You don’t pay me. Well, not real money, anyway.



The Avenger: Those Avenger bucks are perfectly legal tender!





Time: Unknown

Location: Earth #1970


The Avenger had been away for some time. And the universe he found himself in wasn’t a very nice one.



A battle had been raging. Heroes of various identities, colors and creeds were turning into dust at the same time. No one was safe. The master of the mystic arts. A rag-tag group of galaxy guardians. Not even the younger one that everybody liked. They were all dead.



The battle was over.



The bad guy won.



The Avenger: No! This sucks!



Finally...the credits began to roll. Avenger got up and shut off the TV in anger.



The Avenger: Why did you make me watch that? It was depressing! My adventures are never like that! And I wasn’t even there!



Another Avenger, this one from Earth #536, simply shook his head. He was the larger of the two, by a fair amount. He had been tinkering with something at a table nearby, as the two were inside a rickety shack that somehow still had electricity. It’s a comic book, we’re not obligated to explain science to you.



Avenger #536: I told you when you started that I had to scan the multiverse for the one Avenger...or Avenger-equivalent, I guess, that could finally help us. Or do you not want to save our friends from Tipfly?



The Avenger stomped his feet and sulked over, looking at ‘Fat Avenger’ as he tinkered with the multiversal remote.



The Avenger: Of course I want to save Sam!



Avenger #536: And the other two?



The Avenger: Of course I want to save Sam!



The larger Avenger glared at him for a moment and our hero meekly took a step back. He chuckled uneasily and shrugged.



The Avenger: I mean, obviously I care about the cowboy. And the dark and brooding one, even if he is absolutely no fun at all.



Avenger #536: Well I don’t know about you, but since they’re alternate forms of us, I’d like to see them alive again.



The multiversal remote beeped and made a clicking noise, as if it were sentient and agreeing. It had seen some damage in their last (and really, only) battle with the multiverse’s worst rapper and wrestler, who now had twenty World titles from various Earths, erasing those worlds completely.



We’d show you the battle, but we don’t have the budget. Plus, our Avenger doesn’t like sad endings.



The Avenger: Darn right, I don’t!



Avenger #536: You DON’T want to see them alive?



The Avenger: No I was talking to…



He can’t hear me, doofus.



The Avenger: Nevermind.



The larger Avenger shrugged and used his metal pliers to twist something inside the MR. It began beeping rapidly and the numbers on the screen began to flicker until it finally stopped at 42.



Avenger #536: We have our heading. Grab my shoulder and hold your breath. I swear, if you throw up on me again, I’ll leave you there.



The Avenger: Like I have any control over that.



The other Avenger pressed a button and the two blipped out of existence, before they found themselves in the interdimensional void once again. To our hero’s credit, he didn’t spend the entire time screaming. Countless universes passed in front of them, showing images of Avengers still unaware of what was even going on.



Perhaps we will meet them later.



For now, Avenger rubbed at his stomach in an effort to keep himself from getting too nauseous. The pair lurched forward and blipped out again, before landing in…



-----



Time: Still unknown. Maybe Tuesday?

Location: Earth #42



This Earth seemed perfectly normal and pleasant. Like everyone had all of the answers. The two had appeared in the middle of a highway, but there were no cars. When Avenger looked up, he saw why.



The cars were flying overhead. Avenger felt the nausea get even worse but his mouth hung agape in awe.



The Avenger: Holy cheese wiz! Are we in the FUTURE?



Avenger #536: Nope. This Earth just advanced far more than most of the others. Because of one man. He is the Avenger of this universe, but they don’t call him that. There’s nothing to avenge. Instead, he’s called…Paragon.



The Avenger: Sounds like a controversial name that is going to make people mad just for having a story revolve around it.



Avenger #536: That’s...very specific.



The Avenger: It just came to me.



Fat Avenger, as our hero sometimes calls him, played around with the MR some more. Avenger found he was unable to stop staring at the cars flying overhead at a breakneck pace. Suddenly, there was a vision of a man silhouetted against the sun. He lowered down on what appeared to be a hoverboard. Avenger held a hand up to shield his eyes from the sun and get a better look.



Something about this man looked familiar. The muscles. The mustache. It seemed that this was…



The Avenger: JACK MICHAELS?!?! The Avenger of this universe is Jack Michaels?!



Avenger #536: No, I told you. He’s Paragon.



The Avenger: Gross.



Paragon: I think the word you're looking for is 'hello' my caped friend.



The Avenger shook his head.



The Avenger: Nope. Can’t do it. If I try to sell a copy of this issue to the Carnage roster they’re going to throw me out of the locker room! They hate this guy!



Avenger #536: A copy of the...what? Look, this isn’t that Earth’s Jack. And I don’t think that one is all that bad anyway.



The Avenger: HEEL TURN!



Paragon: Uh… I'm standing right here. At the very least you can pretend like I'm not invisible or something. Only my daughter, The Distorted Angel can do that.



Yeah, I, your narrator, am the only invisible one here.



Anyway, the two Avengers stopped bickering and looked at the hero in front of them. He was a perfected version of any universe’s Jack, much like this seemed to be the perfect universe in general.



Avenger #536: Sorry, he’s new to multiverse hopping.



The Avenger: Okay, but WHY is this one so special?



Avenger’s stomach turned around again. He had the feeling he shouldn’t have had two servings of spicy nachos while watching that three hour movie.



Avenger #536: Because of his luck powers. Nothing bad EVER happens to him!



Paragon: That is absolutely true. It all started when I was just five years old. I was blessed by an old Chinese monk. He said that I would be the one that brings peace to the world through the use of my mustache. The next thing I knew, I had the most glorious lip of any five-year-old on the planet and with that came the ability to always find a way to come out on top in any situation.



Avenger: #536: If only we had some way of testing it.



The Avenger stepped forward to shake Paragon’s hand and found that he suddenly couldn’t control his gag reflex anymore. He felt himself begin to vomit, and watched helplessly as it moved to splatter on Paragon’s uniform. That’s when a fierce wind blew in and the disgusting mess shot off to the side, landing only inches from where it was originally going to go.



Avenger #536: That’s amazing!



The Avenger: You literally told me not to do that, and now it’s amazing?



Avenger #536: No! The wind that kept it from hitting our friend here. Did you even feel a breeze when we landed?



Our hero thought for a moment, then shook his head. Paragon smiled, amused by the entire situation, even if he had narrowly avoided getting hit with half-digested cheese, tortilla chips and refried beans.



Paragon: With great mustache comes great responsibility. And because of that, I know that you must be here for a reason that goes beyond the protection of my home planet.



Avenger #536: The whole multiverse, actually. Actually, it’s better to explain it on the way, if you’re coming, that is.



The Avenger: Get ready to throw up!



Paragon: I… Well okay, if evil is afoot I will throw up with the best of them.



Avenger #536: Okay, just grab onto me. Or him.



The Avenger: Wait!



Avenger #536: What?



The Avenger: Can't we get someone crazy to fight him? Like, where's the Trent Steel of this universe?



Paragon: Over there.



He pointed to a steel bar laying on the ground, with white paint on one end and a piece of tape with Trent scrawled on it taped to the side.



The Avenger: That's not even a little funny.



The larger Avenger sighed.



Avenger #536: Let’s go.



He offered his arm like a man waiting for a bird to perch on it. First Paragon took it and then our Avenger did, before taking a glance at the steel girder and wondering why someone would name it. Then, they slipped out of Earth #42 and into the void.




-----

Time: Do I look like a watch?

Location: Earth #1970



After a flash of light, the trio found themselves inside the only big building left standing on this Earth. Most of it was a barren wasteland with a few shacks here and there surrounded by dead trees. This was the nightmare world, and for some reason, a terrible rapper-wrestler hybrid decided to make his base here.



Avenger steadied himself, deciding to use Earth #42’s Jack Michaels for support. The hero known as Paragon, meanwhile, seemed completely unfazed by the jump.



Paragon: I don't mean to be rude but does everyone from his universe get sick like that?



Avenger #536: Yeah, no. He's just...special.



The Avenger: Wait, why are we inside Tipfly’s building? Shouldn’t we plan?



Avenger #536: I did all the planning while you were watching movies. Why do you think Jack’s here?



The Avenger: Fanservice?



Avenger of Earth #536 rolled his eyes and pointed to the elevator.



Avenger #536: Okay, that goes to the penthouse. Once we get up there, it’s up to you to fight him.



Paragon: By the power of Tom Selleck justice shall be served!



With that, he pressed a button on his outfit and the hoverboard he had been using earlier appeared again, extending out so the other two could step on. They did so, as even the larger one felt it supported his weight. They then zoomed through the door to the stairs and straight up past the flights. The Avenger tried to scream but his counterpart covered his mouth.



They finally got to the top and out the door, and found there was no one inside the penthouse.



Avenger #536: No security? Not even Ataxia?



The Avenger: That’s lucky.



Paragon: Luck is my game.



Paragon walked ahead and Avenger mimicked him like a child who just got scolded by their mother. They moved to the center of the penthouse, where a chair sat near a glass window, overlooking the remainder of the city. It suddenly wheeled around and there was Tipfly, stroking one of several championship belts that were surrounding him.



Tipfly: Yo, homies. I guess you fools didn’t learn from the last time, didja? Well,
My name is Tipfly and I’m here to say // I’m gonna erase your Earths in a major way!



Paragon and Avenger #536 groaned at the awfulness of the rhymes. It was so bad, it was actually painful. Our Avenger, solidly behind Paragon, stepped out and pointed a finger in the direction of his nemesis.



The Avenger: You are SO white. That’s cultural appropriation and you know it!



TipFly: Nah dawg. What I do is championship appropriation. And thanks for bringing da champ from Earth #42 here.



Paragon: You won't thank me once I rip your voicebox out so we can no longer hear those awful raps!



Avenger #536: Don’t just rush in, he’s got that gauntlet thingy! He already used it on three of us!



Our hero lowered his head and sighed.



The Avenger: Even Sam…



Paragon: Sam?



Avenger #536: Action. From Earth #1971. He’s that universe’s Avenger, just like you’re the one from #42.



Paragon: I see… So this Tipfly is more of a monster than his raps let on.



Tipfly: You dumb heroes make me mad // Wastin my time with powers that sad!



Tipfly then hit a button on his device and ran at Paragon, hoping to hit him immediately with the Inferior Gauntlet. Instead, he slipped one one of his belts and the punch went directly past the hero’s head, colliding with (and destroying) a nearby column.



Tipfly: Wha...how did I miss that?



Paragon: The power of THE MUSTACHE.



The Avenger: Yeah, now YOU be trippin’, dawg!



Everyone looked at Avenger and he hung his head in shame.



The Avenger: Sorry.



Tipfly tried again, swinging with a backfist, but this time it merely grazed Paragon, causing the hairs on his powerful mustache to bristle. Paragon then swept the leg, forcing Tipfly to fall on his backside. Tipfly looked at the gauntlet and saw that the first blow somehow turned the switch to off, even though that had never happened before.



Avenger #536: Holy shit, this is actually working!



Tipfly: What’s working? What did you jerks do?



Paragon: The power of Luck and justice are here to destroy YOU!



The Avenger: Which means you are gon get got, fool!



Again, everyone stared at our Avenger. He threw his hands up in the air and walked away.



The Avenger: Sam would have found it funny.



Paragon: Or you can save yourself from destruction by accepting my offer by trading your Gauntlet for what I have in my pocket.



He then reached into his pocket and pulled out, of all things, a Hostess Fruit Pie. Avenger #536 glanced at it, bewildered, then back at Jack.



Avenger #536: That is NEVER going to work.



Tipfly: Yo, is that apple? I’ll take it! There’s not any real food anywhere on this damn Earth!



He got to his feet and yanked the Inferior Gauntlet off his arm, tossing it to the floor. He greedily took the fruit pie away from Paragon and tore open the wrapper before shoving it into his mouth. He walked by a few feet, eating as he went. The other two Avengers took a moment to process their shock.



The Avenger: No. Way.



Suddenly, the realization of what he had just done hit him and Tipfly spat out half of his food.



Tipfly: OH SHIT? WHAT DID I DO?



He spun on his heels and made to run back for the gauntlet. Paragon prepared to fight him, but our Avenger stepped out in front.



The Avenger: No way Jack. This time, I’ve got this.



Paragon: Um… Are you sure my caped compadre?



The Avenger: Darn tootin’, I am. Without that doohickey on his arm anymore...he’s the multiverse’s worst wrestler again.



Tipfly yelled out, crumbs of fruit pie falling down his chin as he did so, and charged at Avenger. Avenger switched to a side stance and then hit him with a SUPERHERO KICK! The kick hit Tipfly flush on the chin and he stopped in mid-stride, before comically falling back onto the ground, unconscious.



The Avenger: I cannot believe that actually worked.



Avenger #536: Yeah, that kick wasn’t that strong.



The Avenger: I meant the fruit pie, you jerk.



Paragon: Never underestimate the power of a fruit pie.



Our Avenger moves over and picks up the Inferior Gauntlet, which seems like it has more buttons and switches than the MR they had been using.



Avenger #536: Easy, Vengy, that thing is absolute power. And you know what they say about that.



The Avenger: I’m not gonna wear it. I just want our friends back. Hey, you!



Avenger walked over to Tipfly and nudged him with the toe of his boot, shaking him at least partially awake.



The Avenger: Where’s Sam? Tell me how to bring him back! And all the universes you wrecked!



Tipfly: I..I don’t know dawg. I just used it to help me out.



Paragon: Hmmm... while I certainly appreciate your attempt to make the gauntlet work my masked Marauder, perhaps I can be of some help?



Avenger, dejected, handed it over to Paragon and sat down in Tipfly’s chair, tossing random world titles from deleted Earths aside. Paragon stared at the Inferior Gauntlet for a moment, then began to press random buttons and turn knobs. Suddenly, there was a whirring noise and the championship belts around Avenger began to vanish, one by one.



The Avenger: Wait, what?



Avenger #536: I don’t believe it. He’s restoring the destroyed universes! The belts are going back to their homes!



Paragon: Well for some reason I was able to figure out what the button combinations were and yeah, it was kind of easy.



Avenger #536: Anyone tell you that you’re too lucky?



Paragon: Only my daughter. My other daughter. My wife…



The Avenger: But wait, what about our friends? He flung them to other worlds!



Avenger #536: We’ll just have to go get them.



The last belt, the one that had been around Tipfly’s waist, also vanished. Tipfly sat up, holding his chin, and sighed. He was defeated.



Avenger #536: And that means we’re going home, Tipfly. Our world is back and so is our jail. Which is where YOU are headed.



Tipfly: Son of a bitch.



Paragon: While I am happy to be of assistance where I can, I'm afraid that I must stay on my planet and protect them first. Every second I am gone is another second another Tyrant could rise up.



Avenger #536: Can’t say you wouldn’t make finding them a lot easier, but I get it. I’ll take you back first. Vengy, you watch this one until we get back.



Paragon: Don't fret too much my friends. While I consider myself lucky because of my Powers, I also consider myself lucky because of the side I fight on. The world can be an absolutely beautiful place and as long as there are heroes such as ourselves who are willing to sacrifice to keep Justice and peace throughout the Universe, good will always Prevail over evil. And, if an emergency does arise, and you are in need of a friend indeed, you know where to find PARAGON!



For perhaps only a brief second, an eagle screeching and a heavy metal guitar Rift could be heard over the speech. Jack of Earth #42 stuck out his hand and Avenger took it. He smiled, even though he felt sad at the loss of his friends.



The Avenger: Wow, um...thanks.



Paragon: It's my pleasure my costumed compatriot. Be well friends and May the magnificent mustache watch over you both.



Paragon placed a hand on the shoulder of the larger Avenger and after another button press, they took off, leaving Avenger alone with Tipfly. Avenger went back and sat down, staring at his nemesis.



The Avenger: Just sit there and shut up. You’re in a lot of trouble, mister.



Tipfly: If you think I’m bad...just wait until you get a load of my boss.



The Avenger tilted his head to the side.



The Avenger: Your boss?



Tipfly: Word. She is PURE EVIL.



-----



Time: Unknown

Location: Unknown



On another earth, in a building’s penthouse much like this one, a feminine figure sat in a chair and watched the altercation on her monitor. Hearing Tipfly even hint that she was the one behind his spree of destroying universes caused her to furrow her brow with concern.



Woman: ... that's just not nice.



She pushed the monitor off of her desk, where it broke, with sparks coming out of the screen’s hole. Lightning flashed behind her, revealing a glimpse of her face. The most evil woman in the entire multiverse, created on Earth #161, the mirror version of our universe.



The woman called…



ADRIENNE LEVI



----

Dear Avenger, 

How does it feel to be back in Carnage Wrestling? Does the new roster intimidate you? 

Bernice Baker, Syracuse, NY. 

As for the other thing, of course not! I’m a superhero! I mean, that Rat guy is the only one that’s kind of scary, but that was until I realized he wasn’t Citizen Boy! Trust me, you do not want to make that guy mad!  

Plus that Alex Winter is definitely a ne'er-do-well! He could sure use some #JUSTICE coming his way!