Post by android69 on Apr 24, 2021 21:40:11 GMT -5
To this day, no one knows what Deja Ndiaye did to deserve the unenviable task of interviewing who she would have to interview this day.
Oh wait, we do know!
Earlier in the day, Deja was minding her own business, busying herself by eating a submarine sandwich between interview spots, when she is come upon by her colleague Greg Ace.
Greg Ace: Hey! Deja! You’re about to experience something banana peppers in Costa Rica would die to experience!
She narrows her eyes at Grey, finishes off her current bite of hoagie, and tries to put on a smile.
Deja Ndiaye: What are you going on about now?
Greg Ace: Oh helloooo Dolly! You’re going to need to interview one of the newbies in 15 minutes!
Deja sighed, wishing she had chosen literally anywhere else to have her lunch. Maybe the women’s bathroom? No, that probably wouldn’t have stopped him.
Deja Ndiaye: Gary, look, I was really hoping to go home early today. I really need to get some stuff taken care of before work tomorrow.
Greg Ace: Peppercorns! No, you’ve got to interview them right away! I told them you would and they’re waiting at the front of the building!
Deja’s eyes widened and her jaw went slack.
Deja Ndiaye: Why would you- how could you- and why can’t you do it again??
Greg Ace: Well, I really need to get some stuff taken care of before work tomorrow!
Deja’s eyes were like saucers and her jaw was utterly agape.
Deja Ndiaye: I just told you that same thing!!
Greg grabs Deja’s sandwich from her.
Deja Ndiaye: Hey!!
Greg Ace: No, you don’t have time to finish this. They’re waiting!
He then takes a big bite out of the three-meat hero filled with spinach and green peppers. Light mayonnaise. The staff at the sub joint had to scrape off so much mayo. So much mayo.
Deja Ndiaye: But you said I had 15 minutes!
Greg smirked, and with a mouthful of sandwich, replies.
Greg Ace: Gawtchah! Dow go gettum Baskin-Robbins!
Deja shakes her head at her great misfortune. She rises to her feet - as it’s not healthy eating standing up - and starts to head towards the entryway.
Deja Ndiaye: Well, maybe it won’t be so bad interviewing that Emily Gabbard. It’ll probably be short at least.
Finishing his bite, Gary clears his throat.
Gary Ace: Not that newbie, Judy!
Deja turns partially back, looking warily at her contemporary.
Deja Ndiaye: Then… who?
A couple minutes later, Deja’s made her way to the front of the Carnage Arena. Seated in the lobby were two unusual persons:
Deja Ndiaye: Oh ffffffffuuuuu-
The strange pair looked up at the stranger.
Deja Ndiaye: -uuuuuuancy meeting you guys here! Hi, I’m Deja Ndiaye!
The masked man stands up, and slaps the back of his robot pal, who is thusly prompted to get up too. The masked man goes up to the interviewer and shakes her hand.
Masked Man: Hello, yes, thank you for meeting with us today.
Deja thinks about all the chores that needed doing, the sandwich that escaped her. Thanks, Gary.
Deja Ndiaye: Oh, uh, no, yeah, for sure, no problem. You’re… The Masked Machinist, right?
He nods.
The Masked Machinist: Yes, that’s right. And my… friend here is… Android 69! Come on, say hello to the nice lady!
Android 69 slowly turns to face Deja, then slowly points at her uterus.
Android 69: Empty. Barren. Let me harum-scarum.
The robot then advances on Deja, much to her chagrin. MM acts fast, pulling out a remote control, turning a dial, flipping a switch, extending the antenna, and A69 stops dead in his tracks, a mere couple inches away from the Carnage interviewer.
The Masked Machinist: Please just shake her hand for now.
Deja Ndiaye: “For now”?
A69’s arm makes whirring sounds, eventually transforming itself into a hand that Deja must shake!! He then backs up, standing at attention.
Deja Ndiaye: All right, so, now that we have the introductions out of the way, do you want to start your interview?
The Masked Machinist: Yes, yes, we should. Thank you again for your time! Hopefully we haven’t taken you away from anything important.
Nothing but chores and lunch, Deja thinks. She lets out a nervous laugh.
Deja Ndiaye: No no, it's fine! Now, Monday, May 3rd will be Chaos 109, live broadcasted as always on the Carnage Network from right here at the Carnage Arena in Baltimore, Maryland. Among the seven matches happening that night, starting off at 7pm, your… client?
The Masked Machinist: Well, my robot. Robot client- You know what, client is fine. Sorry.
Deja Ndiaye: Okay, your client Android 69 will be debuting in Carnage against a member of The Masked Debaters, when he goes one-on-one with Garbage Fence. With the chance that where one Masked Debater is, five others could follow, how well-equipped will you yourself be to make sure Android 69 can start off his career in a fair and square environment?
As Deja speaks, MM seems to start to tear up, then audibly begins crying. Deja is of course confused.
Deja Ndiaye: Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?
MM sniffles a bit before wiping his tears away. A69 consoles his manager with some suggestive back petting.
The Masked Machinist: No, no, please, go on, I’m sorry.
Deja Ndiaye: ...Well, I’d just like to know what you plan on-
The Masked Machinist: My wife… left me, Deja! Do you know how that feels? Do you? She couldn’t handle my “crazy inventions”, she said! She seemed so keen at first to have a sentient sex robot in bed, but back then… oh, God, back then… she got so mad that I bought a sex doll! So what if it cost $4000! It had all the right holes and looked and felt like a real woman! I had to start somewhere, you know! Why couldn’t she see that? I bought it because I needed a starting point! But she thought it was a replacement for her! How could I replace Donna? How?! She didn’t see, she couldn’t see that it was all for her! She was furious I spent so much money, ah, but I bet she wouldn’t have said that if it were a male sex doll, the bitch! ...No, no… I’m sorry. She’s not a bitch. She’s an angel! I loved that woman so much. Why did she have to leave me? I was making progress! But, you see, Deja, I have… a problem. Now I don’t know if it’s nymphomania or what, but I really… really needed to get laid. When Donna left - you know, our sex life was on the rocks, which is where all this began in the first place - I needed a quick and easy way to get off! So, I went to prostitutes: that’s right, you heard me, I paid for sex! I never used to pay for sex! Well, that’s not entirely true, because Donna always needed to have the latest gadgets and jewelry, didn’t she, the fucking whore!!! ...Oh my god, what am I saying?! No, she’s an angel, I love her, she was the light of my life. So, you know, I got tired of paying for sex when a perfectly viable project still waited in the wings! I worked tooth and nail, day and night, pouring blood, sweat, and tears into my magnum opus, my ultimate creation, and… and… this thing was the result!!! I mean, just look at him, Deja! Does this look like a woman to you? Does Android 69 look fuckable?! No!! Oh sure, they’re a fuck machine the likes the world’s never seen, but… that face!! My god, that face! They were supposed to look androgynous to satisfy me and Donna’s tastes, but Android 69 isn’t androgynous! He’s… she’s… they’re a nightmare!! But I’m stuck with Android 69 now and really got into wrestling, so here we are. Anyway, what was the question again?
Deja simply doesn’t even know what to say at this point. MM’s rant was long, thorough, and TMI personified! How can she, a consummate professional, even try to think to continue this interview??? But, as she is in fact a professional, she goes into autopilot.
Deja Ndiaye: Uh… Android 69’s opponent?
The Masked Machinist: What about them?
Deja Ndiaye: Their name is Garbage Fence and they’re one of six members of The Masked Debaters. Are you concerned about the possibility of Garbage’s teammates intervening on his behalf?
The Masked Machinist: Well, you don’t need to ask me about that, ask the robot themselves!
MM turns towards A69, patting him on that back.
The Masked Machinist: Go on, tell the nice lady how Chaos 109, was it? How Chaos 109 is going to go for your opponent.
He then pushes a few buttons, cranks a knob, and pulls out another antenna. A69 makes weird piston-pounding sounds, lights flash on his chest, and he grabs a firm but loving hold of the base of Deja’s microphone.
Android 69: Oh fuuuck, it’s so hard! Much like life, much like life, much like life-
MM smacks the back of A69’s head.
Android 69: Much like life for my opponent Garbage Fence will be hard… and not in a good way! If his friends want to run a train on me, they’ll see that I’m a train unto myself! I go fast, I go hard, I take so many people inside of me, and I always… come on time. Know this, Garbage Fence: I’m horny… horny for violence! I register the pain I administer to my opponents and convert that energy into pure unadulterated ecstasy! I’m from Fucking, I’m about fucking, and the only thing Garbage Fence will experience is being fucked! And unfortunately for him and his friends, I can go all! Night! L-L-L-L-L-L-Long!!! ……...If you know what I mean.
Deja Ndiaye: I think deaf people in convents know what you mean. Well, I think we’ve got all we need from you guys, so we can wrap this up now. Masked Machinist, Android 69, thank you for your time.
The Masked Machinist: Thank you so much again for having us. I know we just got her the other day, so we’re very grateful for this opportunity. …...But uh, would it be possible to maybe edit out some of the things I said?
Deja looks between MM and A69, grinning a toothy albeit apologetic smile.
Deja Ndiaye: Ahhhhhh, sorry, guys, this is live.
MM’s face goes long.
The Masked Machinist: Oh. Uh. Well, that’s all right. Thanks all the same. Say goodbye to the nice lady now.
A69 shuffles up to Deja, deeply sniffs her hair, then immediately backs up.
Android 69: You got ta ca-ca-call me some time. But only if you want your world rocked. Only.
Deja then takes her leave, possibly to hunt down Gary and kill him.
Oh wait, we do know!
Earlier in the day, Deja was minding her own business, busying herself by eating a submarine sandwich between interview spots, when she is come upon by her colleague Greg Ace.
Greg Ace: Hey! Deja! You’re about to experience something banana peppers in Costa Rica would die to experience!
She narrows her eyes at Grey, finishes off her current bite of hoagie, and tries to put on a smile.
Deja Ndiaye: What are you going on about now?
Greg Ace: Oh helloooo Dolly! You’re going to need to interview one of the newbies in 15 minutes!
Deja sighed, wishing she had chosen literally anywhere else to have her lunch. Maybe the women’s bathroom? No, that probably wouldn’t have stopped him.
Deja Ndiaye: Gary, look, I was really hoping to go home early today. I really need to get some stuff taken care of before work tomorrow.
Greg Ace: Peppercorns! No, you’ve got to interview them right away! I told them you would and they’re waiting at the front of the building!
Deja’s eyes widened and her jaw went slack.
Deja Ndiaye: Why would you- how could you- and why can’t you do it again??
Greg Ace: Well, I really need to get some stuff taken care of before work tomorrow!
Deja’s eyes were like saucers and her jaw was utterly agape.
Deja Ndiaye: I just told you that same thing!!
Greg grabs Deja’s sandwich from her.
Deja Ndiaye: Hey!!
Greg Ace: No, you don’t have time to finish this. They’re waiting!
He then takes a big bite out of the three-meat hero filled with spinach and green peppers. Light mayonnaise. The staff at the sub joint had to scrape off so much mayo. So much mayo.
Deja Ndiaye: But you said I had 15 minutes!
Greg smirked, and with a mouthful of sandwich, replies.
Greg Ace: Gawtchah! Dow go gettum Baskin-Robbins!
Deja shakes her head at her great misfortune. She rises to her feet - as it’s not healthy eating standing up - and starts to head towards the entryway.
Deja Ndiaye: Well, maybe it won’t be so bad interviewing that Emily Gabbard. It’ll probably be short at least.
Finishing his bite, Gary clears his throat.
Gary Ace: Not that newbie, Judy!
Deja turns partially back, looking warily at her contemporary.
Deja Ndiaye: Then… who?
A couple minutes later, Deja’s made her way to the front of the Carnage Arena. Seated in the lobby were two unusual persons:
Deja Ndiaye: Oh ffffffffuuuuu-
The strange pair looked up at the stranger.
Deja Ndiaye: -uuuuuuancy meeting you guys here! Hi, I’m Deja Ndiaye!
The masked man stands up, and slaps the back of his robot pal, who is thusly prompted to get up too. The masked man goes up to the interviewer and shakes her hand.
Masked Man: Hello, yes, thank you for meeting with us today.
Deja thinks about all the chores that needed doing, the sandwich that escaped her. Thanks, Gary.
Deja Ndiaye: Oh, uh, no, yeah, for sure, no problem. You’re… The Masked Machinist, right?
He nods.
The Masked Machinist: Yes, that’s right. And my… friend here is… Android 69! Come on, say hello to the nice lady!
Android 69 slowly turns to face Deja, then slowly points at her uterus.
Android 69: Empty. Barren. Let me harum-scarum.
The robot then advances on Deja, much to her chagrin. MM acts fast, pulling out a remote control, turning a dial, flipping a switch, extending the antenna, and A69 stops dead in his tracks, a mere couple inches away from the Carnage interviewer.
The Masked Machinist: Please just shake her hand for now.
Deja Ndiaye: “For now”?
A69’s arm makes whirring sounds, eventually transforming itself into a hand that Deja must shake!! He then backs up, standing at attention.
Deja Ndiaye: All right, so, now that we have the introductions out of the way, do you want to start your interview?
The Masked Machinist: Yes, yes, we should. Thank you again for your time! Hopefully we haven’t taken you away from anything important.
Nothing but chores and lunch, Deja thinks. She lets out a nervous laugh.
Deja Ndiaye: No no, it's fine! Now, Monday, May 3rd will be Chaos 109, live broadcasted as always on the Carnage Network from right here at the Carnage Arena in Baltimore, Maryland. Among the seven matches happening that night, starting off at 7pm, your… client?
The Masked Machinist: Well, my robot. Robot client- You know what, client is fine. Sorry.
Deja Ndiaye: Okay, your client Android 69 will be debuting in Carnage against a member of The Masked Debaters, when he goes one-on-one with Garbage Fence. With the chance that where one Masked Debater is, five others could follow, how well-equipped will you yourself be to make sure Android 69 can start off his career in a fair and square environment?
As Deja speaks, MM seems to start to tear up, then audibly begins crying. Deja is of course confused.
Deja Ndiaye: Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?
MM sniffles a bit before wiping his tears away. A69 consoles his manager with some suggestive back petting.
The Masked Machinist: No, no, please, go on, I’m sorry.
Deja Ndiaye: ...Well, I’d just like to know what you plan on-
The Masked Machinist: My wife… left me, Deja! Do you know how that feels? Do you? She couldn’t handle my “crazy inventions”, she said! She seemed so keen at first to have a sentient sex robot in bed, but back then… oh, God, back then… she got so mad that I bought a sex doll! So what if it cost $4000! It had all the right holes and looked and felt like a real woman! I had to start somewhere, you know! Why couldn’t she see that? I bought it because I needed a starting point! But she thought it was a replacement for her! How could I replace Donna? How?! She didn’t see, she couldn’t see that it was all for her! She was furious I spent so much money, ah, but I bet she wouldn’t have said that if it were a male sex doll, the bitch! ...No, no… I’m sorry. She’s not a bitch. She’s an angel! I loved that woman so much. Why did she have to leave me? I was making progress! But, you see, Deja, I have… a problem. Now I don’t know if it’s nymphomania or what, but I really… really needed to get laid. When Donna left - you know, our sex life was on the rocks, which is where all this began in the first place - I needed a quick and easy way to get off! So, I went to prostitutes: that’s right, you heard me, I paid for sex! I never used to pay for sex! Well, that’s not entirely true, because Donna always needed to have the latest gadgets and jewelry, didn’t she, the fucking whore!!! ...Oh my god, what am I saying?! No, she’s an angel, I love her, she was the light of my life. So, you know, I got tired of paying for sex when a perfectly viable project still waited in the wings! I worked tooth and nail, day and night, pouring blood, sweat, and tears into my magnum opus, my ultimate creation, and… and… this thing was the result!!! I mean, just look at him, Deja! Does this look like a woman to you? Does Android 69 look fuckable?! No!! Oh sure, they’re a fuck machine the likes the world’s never seen, but… that face!! My god, that face! They were supposed to look androgynous to satisfy me and Donna’s tastes, but Android 69 isn’t androgynous! He’s… she’s… they’re a nightmare!! But I’m stuck with Android 69 now and really got into wrestling, so here we are. Anyway, what was the question again?
Deja simply doesn’t even know what to say at this point. MM’s rant was long, thorough, and TMI personified! How can she, a consummate professional, even try to think to continue this interview??? But, as she is in fact a professional, she goes into autopilot.
Deja Ndiaye: Uh… Android 69’s opponent?
The Masked Machinist: What about them?
Deja Ndiaye: Their name is Garbage Fence and they’re one of six members of The Masked Debaters. Are you concerned about the possibility of Garbage’s teammates intervening on his behalf?
The Masked Machinist: Well, you don’t need to ask me about that, ask the robot themselves!
MM turns towards A69, patting him on that back.
The Masked Machinist: Go on, tell the nice lady how Chaos 109, was it? How Chaos 109 is going to go for your opponent.
He then pushes a few buttons, cranks a knob, and pulls out another antenna. A69 makes weird piston-pounding sounds, lights flash on his chest, and he grabs a firm but loving hold of the base of Deja’s microphone.
Android 69: Oh fuuuck, it’s so hard! Much like life, much like life, much like life-
MM smacks the back of A69’s head.
Android 69: Much like life for my opponent Garbage Fence will be hard… and not in a good way! If his friends want to run a train on me, they’ll see that I’m a train unto myself! I go fast, I go hard, I take so many people inside of me, and I always… come on time. Know this, Garbage Fence: I’m horny… horny for violence! I register the pain I administer to my opponents and convert that energy into pure unadulterated ecstasy! I’m from Fucking, I’m about fucking, and the only thing Garbage Fence will experience is being fucked! And unfortunately for him and his friends, I can go all! Night! L-L-L-L-L-L-Long!!! ……...If you know what I mean.
Deja Ndiaye: I think deaf people in convents know what you mean. Well, I think we’ve got all we need from you guys, so we can wrap this up now. Masked Machinist, Android 69, thank you for your time.
The Masked Machinist: Thank you so much again for having us. I know we just got her the other day, so we’re very grateful for this opportunity. …...But uh, would it be possible to maybe edit out some of the things I said?
Deja looks between MM and A69, grinning a toothy albeit apologetic smile.
Deja Ndiaye: Ahhhhhh, sorry, guys, this is live.
MM’s face goes long.
The Masked Machinist: Oh. Uh. Well, that’s all right. Thanks all the same. Say goodbye to the nice lady now.
A69 shuffles up to Deja, deeply sniffs her hair, then immediately backs up.
Android 69: You got ta ca-ca-call me some time. But only if you want your world rocked. Only.
Deja then takes her leave, possibly to hunt down Gary and kill him.